“When I think of where I’m coming from
Looking back at where the journey began
I really haffi say that I’m strong, I’m strong
All praises to the most High One
Look at where I’m coming from
Looking back at where the journey began
I really haffi say that I’m strong, I’m strong
All praises to the most High One…”
Where I’m Coming From ~ Lila Iké
A few weeks ago I wrote about my love/hate relationship with social media, and this week I was reminded of one of the reasons why I love it. Facebook has a function where they’ll post memories of things you’d posted on that day from years past, and this month’s reminders so far has been a shining example of love and exactly how far I’ve come.
I told y’all I’m thee keeper of receipts! Please believe me when I tell you I kept every email, text, voicemail and diaries to boot! Hence the disclaimers! Ya girl was READY and waiting for them to slip and try me once I really got going. #BringItCome
One memory to re-emerge I remember well! It was days after mum died and I’d had to deal with family and their fuckery, and I was very angry, upset and about to fire shots. I spoke to a couple of people about it and noticed this; some “friends” will goad you whilst others attempt to guide you. You need to focus and respect the difference. One will have you more up in your feelings and the other will allow you to acknowledge and deal with them.
I chose guidance from the light that was Ms Christina Brooks-Abraham, and put up a post stating as much. I wasn’t where I am now though, so there was a little dig at the end – just to let them know they weren’t forgiven, just allowed – for now!😂
There were a few more angry posts with me slinging expletives left, right and centre. I’m sure I even questioned what the collective noun of cunts was at one point.*🤣 I can look back now and see what a waste of real energy it was, but at the time it felt good to get it out, and it’s part and parcel of what I had to go through to get here.
Two more posts to pop up were one I was tagged in by Tara Bailey, celebrating women and asking to build each other up instead of tearing us apart, and the other post had a response from the fluffiest of fluffies, Ms Cotton Candy, my beautiful cousin Janel.
All of the above Queens have now passed over to the other side, so to have these reminders is a blessing. I’m doing my own Spiritual Accountancy course and so far it’s working wonders. I’ve nearly archived the receipts of the negatives and I’m building another collection, the NuDawn Love Collective. Collective power based in love, great energy and good vibes. These are the kinda things I want to hold onto.
When I look at where I’m coming from I will applaud myself all day, every day for getting here. The ride was wild but necessary and I’m beyond grateful to be seeing and feeling the way I do. The only wild life I’m experiencing is the one nature provides, not people, ego, greed and circumstance. It’s a great place to be and I’m feeling free. No ‘woe is me’, it’s ‘Woah! It’s Me!🤩
R.I.P to all those who have lost their lives this week
Continue to rest in paradise and shine your light from above Queens Tina, Tara and Janel.🙏🏾😍
STOP THE GENOCIDE! Continuing to send love to Palestine, Congo, Lebanon, Uyghur, Syria, Sudan and all of the other nations suffering some sort of atrocity.🖤💚
*I think we settled on bunch, but I could be wrong!😂
Check What Receipts You Keep! Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife
“Everybody’s got a thing
But some don’t know how to handle it
Always reaching out in vain
Just takin’ the things not worth having
But don’t you worry ‘bout a thing
Don’t you worry ‘bout a thing
‘Cause I’ll be standin’ on the side when you check it out..”
Don’t You Worry ‘Bout A Thing ~ Incognito
Happy New Year one and all. I hope and pray it’s a blessed one for you and yours. 2024 is a significant year for me personally. It’s been a decade since being diagnosed with stage 3C bowel cancer and the many, MANY tales that followed from that journey.
I thought I knew myself, and I did for the most part, but I had to be reminded of the light I had inside. It was burning but not quite bright enough; then cue the darkness. 2014 said come le’ me show you some thangs and brought forth the cancer and chaos.😩
It changed me on EVERY level, and I’ve learnt so much more about myself and people within the past decade. You know the phrase ‘a real eye opener!’, well that part!! It’s also the year I decided on one final resolution – to not make any and live.
I’ve never had any issues with the ability to love and I thought I knew loss, hurt and heartbreak, but I got the real beat down in 2020. It wasn’t just losing the woman who gave me life, it was the fight beforehand to make sure she had the most comfortable twilight years possible whilst fighting my own battles. The struggle was real y’all!
This is one of the reasons why I want to do the podcasts. There’s a lot to unpack! I cannot deny the stinger in my Scorpio being was in control when I first started writing. I wanted to out them and shame them and hurt them the way they’d hurt me. I remember writing in one particular blog that I don’t understand why my siblings would behave in some of the ways they did and say some of the things they said, but I sooo get it now, like, really get it.
I thankh the higher power for receipts of all kinds because the proof and truth is made easier to find when need be. The difference is now I can clearly see their motivation and energy from a higher level and don’t feel compelled to bring them out in the same manner. They’re more than capable of doing that without my help. My actions are justifiable in the space that matters most, my heart and soul.
That will all be broken down in time. You see that little light of mine that was flickering in the cold breeze of pain and dis-ease in 2014 has grown as big and bright as the sun. I’ve had to contend with more fuckery than most but I’m still here, rising, just as my name implies. I’ve been blessed to know myself from an early age and by this time last year I knew that my one major flaw* had to be addressed – them signs were signing HARD!! They were too blatant to ignore.
But I did it, and just as cancer and chaos had changed me on every level this worked its magic on them too. I done told you about the missing puzzle piece, and it was made possible to find it by having faith in myself to step outside of the box and have my world turned upside down, only to find out that that was the way it should be all along.✨
I’m happy to report I’m still growing and glowing, and despite my lifespan being capped by oncologists and certain fam wishing me dead with chest, I’m heading towards 50 years of existence feeling the best version of me yet and it’s improving every day. Suck on that bitches!🖕🏾😂
Jokes aside it’s bought me to a place where I’m equipped to handle my feelings and emotions, to the extent of feeling completely at peace with the anniversary of mums passing tomorrow – a year ago it was a different story, and in honesty if I had truly picked up on the signs earlier I could have avoided years of misery.
I think that’s why I’m now so passionate about wanting the same for others. If I can help you avoid unnecessary worry and source draining ish I’m on it! I’ve been there, felt that, and not just wearing the T-shirt, I have it tattooed. If I can get to where I am now I know you can, but as with all good things it takes the right mix and blend and the willingness to make it.
I’ve had a taster of how awesome it can be to help others find a way through, and 2024 has more in store! I always knew I had a heart and wanted to help people in some way but I think I may have found my calling, I’m not entirely sure but I’m not gonna worry ‘bout a thing and keep growing with the flow!💫
R.I.P to all those who have lost their lives this week
4 years since you passed and I’m finally at peace with it.🙏🏾 Continue to rest in peace my Queen. Love and miss you but I know you’re close by.✨💫
STOP THE GENOCIDE IN PALESTINE AND ALL OVER THE WORLD!! Honestly, what the fuck have we become?
*It’s shocking I know, but I do have them!😅
To my Daily Deposits Tribe I can’t thankh you enough for the help you gave me and it’s an honour and a pleasure to be a part of such a beautiful family.
Don’t You Worry ‘Bout A Thing! Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife
“Blessed to have another moment
Some more time spent
Some more minds to get into
Blessed to have another daydream
Another maybe
Yeah…”
Blessed 2 Have ~ Floetry
I was fortunate enough to celebrate my 49th Earthday a few weeks back, and thankhs to The Mr, it was one of the most beautifully peaceful days I’ve ever had the pleasure of experiencing.
It was spent exploring the Atlas Mountains in Marrakech, with glorious sunshine and beautiful people. In our efforts to find a munch we almost drove past a modest sign outside of an ordinary looking wooden gate, but our companion thought the name rang a bell so we drove up to it to be greeted by a friendly face enquiring what it was we needed.
We waited at the gate whilst he called someone who could help us, and a few minutes later we were greeted by another friendly face who asked if we had a reservation. At this point I still wasn’t exactly sure what this place was but we said that we didn’t and he told us that it was fine and they’d accommodate us, then asked us to pull into a parking space outside the front of the building.
I assumed it was a restaurant until we stepped out of the car and made our way into the foyer and our greeter informed us of what they actually offer, which was one of the most stunning olive garden retreats I’ve ever seen🤩…ok, the only stunning olive garden retreat I’ve ever seen – but it was honestly breathtaking.*
As I soaked in my surroundings I felt truly blessed to be. I had three of the best things in life with me – breath, love and sunshine. I’m a woman of little wants and needs and that there was me to a tee! I could have sat there a lot longer than we did and I will most definitely be going back, higher power willing.🙏🏾
When I got home, as I find myself doing a lot lately, I reflected on the time I’d had and the wonderful way the world works with hidden surprises and the power of connection. All it takes is patience and observation. I’ve had time to master both recently and a few things keep presenting themselves that confirms what my soul keeps on telling me.
Yes, I’m probably repeating myself when I say I have a love hate relationship with social media, but I do. I love the ability to share with loved ones far and wide and the wealth of knowledge and information it can provide, but, and hear me out, I don’t like people; not ALL people, but ‘People’ people.
‘People’ is an old Caribbean term for a person or group who are an annoyance on varying levels in some way and there’s waaay too many out there for me to contend with and maintain my peace. I’ve been urged to do more in regards of digital marketing and pushing my blogs and impending podcasts and honestly, it just depresses me.😩😅
I have tried, albeit not too hard, but I don’t have a desire to sell myself and my soul in the process. I know the work has to be done but I’m determined to find a way that sits well with me. I’m at capacity with the amount of time I spend online as it is. Fuck a reel! Respectfully.🙏🏾
Money has to be made and bills paid, but the things we put ourselves and others through to get it can be just plain wild!
Without getting into it too deeply, a while ago I reached out to a couple of well known names to literally just discuss a few projects I was thinking of and to get a little advice. They weren’t complete strangers to me, and I got a response back to say they’d be in touch soon. Now, it’s possible that we have different definitions of the word soon, but I done been through 3 seasons waiting and the fresh buds preparing themselves to come through will not be waiting to be nourished by them!🌝🍂❄️🌱
I’ve seen what drives and motivates these people and, even for the ones who like to think they are keeping it real, it’s all about the money, honey! If it ain’t making you some you’re making sure it can’t block that flow, joe! And good for you! If that’s what makes you happy I’m happy for you. We’re all human and have our desires and requirements, but because these people have made a name for themselves we tend to forget that.
It’s usually the little people that get them to the heights they dream of, but once they’re there you realise how little to them you indeed are. But it’s all good. It’s been an old tale and will continue on. Ain’t no bigger game than the quest for fortune and fame. And these players be playing!
I’d prefer not to, and if it means I miss out on a certain type of revenue I’m good with that. I’ve never been driven by money. I always knew I wanted to write and share my life and thoughts in the hope it would resonate with some and possibly help others know that we’re all going through some type of shit!
And boy did I have a heap to offload! It’s been a much needed outlet. If it’s meant to make me money I have faith that it will, but it’s already performed it’s task for me so that’ll be a bonus.✨
I’ve always appreciated my blessings but now I see each and every one clearly. Pay attention. Immense beauty and worth can lie behind the ordinary. I’ve had blessed days and the best days with ordinary people with an extraordinary light – the type money can’t buy. Not all that glitters is gold. Look for the glimmers.💫
R.I.P Benjamin Zephaniah, an all round creative genius and King of keeping it real. You will be missed but your spirit and legacy shall live on.
R.I.P Andre Braugher, another talented brother gaining his wings with a legacy in tact. Condolences to both families and rest easy Kings.🙏🏾
R.I.P to all those who have lost their lives this week.
Still standing in patience and observation so y’all are gonna have to wait with me! #PodcastsPending😂
*Olinto I’ll be seeing you soon; and there won’t be 3 seasons in between!😍😂
Patience And Observation, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife
“Whatever it is that you came to teach me
I am here to learn it ‘cause
I believe that we are written in the stars
I don’t know what the future holds
But I’m living in the moment
And I’m thankhful for the man that you are, you are, you are, you are
You are everything I ask for in my prayers
So I know my angels brought you to my life
Your energy is healing to my soul
You are a beautiful surprise…”
Beautiful Surprise ~ India Arie
For a number of reasons 2023 will go down in NuDawn history as my year of enlightenment. No one is perfect and without fault, but in general I’ve always been quite chilled and mostly drama free – with the exception of family.
No one has the power to get to you more than those you love, and my circumstances made me take a step back and assess my bloodline and the different paths I’ve walked down with some of my supposed nearest and dearest.
I’m going to save the finer details for the podcasts*, but it bought me to the realisation that BS has played a big part – Bull Shit and Black Sheep! For me the two go hand in hand. I became the black sheep after smelling and calling out the bull shit. I’m an emotional being and I’d be lying if I said this didn’t affect me in some way, as is evident if you’ve read my earlier blogs!😅
This year I finally managed to let go of the emotional hold of the BS and being the black sheep with proof that the world really does work in mysterious ways. If I had listened and gone with the majority I would never have found myself in the position I find myself in now and it’s a wonderful place to be. I class it as my reward for being open. Open hearted and open minded and unbound from the toxic ties that can come encased in family.
As fate would have it my experiences have also strengthened my ability to pick up on peoples energies and sniff out the bs quicker. I had an encounter recently where I felt the person’s energy was off but they tried to convince me there wasn’t an issue. I knew it was bs and eventually got to the crux of it, but I really don’t understand why they couldn’t just be real and say how they feel.
Love can show up in many different ways but once you know the fundamentals of it you’ll be able to assess the bs and separate the wheat from the chaff. Please don’t be afraid to be the black sheep and keep your integrity intact. Blood alone is not family. It can be comprised of whoever shows you genuine love.
I just happened to find another long lost black sheep from the same herd and we’ve managed to change the narrative and turned the bs into Blessed Souls and Beautiful Surprises.
Do you, stay true and the real ones will find you and shine through.💫
R.I.P Leon Christian-Samuel and all those who have lost their lives this week.
Happiest of Earthday/Birthdays to my beautiful surprise of a nephew Josh Parker. I honestly can’t thankh you enough for the gifts you’ve given me and I wish you a truly blessed day and the best of everything to come. Nuff love always.🖤💚
I promise they are coming! Trust me I’ve had to be as patient as y’all but they’ll be worth the wait.😉😅
Winter really be wintering out there! Jheeeze!🥶 Wrap up warm and stay safe.
Assess The BS, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife
“Life can be only what you make it
When you’re feelin’ down you should never fake it
Say what’s on your mind
And you’ll find in time
That all the negative energy, it will all cease
And you’ll be at peace with yourself
You won’t really need no one else…”
My Life ~ Mary J Blige
I started writing my blogs with 2 main purposes in mind, and that was to share my cancer journey and the tale that ran alongside it. It’s been a lot to say the least, and over the past couple of weeks I’ve had reminders of just how damaging, destructive and far reaching one persons actions can be.
I promised you and those involved that one day all will be revealed and I’m a woman of my word! So we go again! My attitude has changed since writing these but the memories remain so the tale will still be told but there might be a little less expletives…👀…maybe!😂 I fully expect judgement and all of the things that comes with exposure but you know what, fuck it! I had to live it not y’all, and it’s my truth, so love it or hate it imma be true to me and purge this fuckery once and for all.
I used to think that I was a hurricane but I’ve come to realise it wasn’t me. I, like many others, was caught up in the storm he created. He sat calm and comfortably in the eye of it whilst we were spinning and spinning, twisting and turning on each other.
Thankhfully I found the light to guide me out of it, but now it’s like I’m sat on the outskirts watching the rest still caught up in it and trying to show them the way out, but like most things if you keep at it for long enough you get comfortable and it becomes the norm, and that includes negativity and hate.
There’s only so much you can say and do to show them the pathway through. I’ve tried and now it’s down to them and I pray that it comes sooner rather than later so they don’t waste anymore precious time in it.
All that being said, now is my time to put this chapter of my life to bed – and what better way than with a tale! I will leave links to the disclaimers below and then you can get into Part 1 in preparation for the podcast which will be coming soon!
The Root Cause
“The problem is and always will be that since David and Dawn have been awarded control of our Mothers money, something that we had not agreed to, that there has been a scam going on with regards to what they are doing with her money. They state that there is no money to assist with rent/mortgage, therefore my mother is living in the house rent free, however they have been saving money in a savings account to pay for their own flights to Antigua upon my mothers death.
Should my Mother be placed in a care home, she would not receive any of her pension and the government would have to subsidise her pension to meet the cost of the home and her care, so my point is, why shouldn’t she contribute towards the rent/mortgage of the house she is living in?
There has also been accusations made against me, that are completely uncalled for and unjust. The situation between myself and Dawn Williams has always been an issue, for whatever reason she has chosen to create problems for me, therefore her presence in my home/the house is not a situation I particularly like nor want…”
The above is part of an email sent by my brother Dale. Quite frankly if I had any doubt he is a sociopath (which I don’t), the above and more confirmed my thinking. So seeing as he has no issue with calling my name and telling others about me, yet difficulty in understanding how our relationship came to be what it is now, let me enlighten you.
Really and truly some people should not throw stones because they can rebound and knock a fucker out!
We’re going to come back to the above statement as a whole further down the line, but for now I’d like to draw your attention to the last paragraph. The “for whatever reason she has chosen to create problems for me” line in particular. To do that we have to go back – waaaay back! Back to the summer of ‘74!
This was the year my dad decided to bugger off, leaving my mum 5 months pregnant with twins. At the time Dale was 16 and instead of going on to college after leaving school he decided to get a job to help our mother out. Little did we know then this was a gesture we would be invoiced for later; but little did he know, on November 21st what he would deem to be his arch nemesis would be born.
Let’s not get it twisted, naturally I wasn’t born hating him, but I was born fighting from the very start. My twin was born first with no problem. I however was breech, and by all accounts it wasn’t an easy ride! But I made it, and the same fighting spirit I was born with still remains!
One of my earliest memories is being in my cot in Dales room, banging on the wall and hearing my twin bang back from the other side in our mother’s room. We’d be separated at night sometimes, I’m guessing to give our mum some peace, but I would always be in Billy’s room.
I’d never addressed my brother as Dale until five years ago. Until then he was Billy. It’s not unusual for West Indian’s to be called by different names, but I never knew and still don’t know why he was given that name. I can hazard a guess now though. Billy Bullshitter would be an adequate and accurate description.
Being little my senses hadn’t quite kicked in yet, but there were some things that couldn’t be ignored. For example, the same siblings who have now chosen to put on a united front and show me such contempt, didn’t speak to each other for years. I grew up with them literally not talking to each other at all from as young as I can remember until about maybe 10 years old. I have no idea what their beef was and vaguely recall asking my mum about it one time when I was little and her saying she didn’t know.
Maybe she didn’t or maybe she didn’t want to explain it to a child, but again purely guessing, I could see Dale being the cause of whatever went down as this was at a time when my sister had some form of sense and hadn’t drunk the Kool Aid. I know from experience he has a habit of being the root cause of many a circumstance.
But before I came to that conclusion I was the most doting little sister you could hope for. I truly loved and idolised him. He was good looking, super fit, popular, talented, drove a funky car and he was MY big brother. He stepped up when my dad didn’t and I loved him and appreciated that.
I used to have these episodes of shivering when I was small and I remember one time mum not being around and going downstairs to the garage (which he had converted into a gym) and telling him. He took me upstairs, wrapped me in a blanket, made me a cup of tea and told me I’d be ok, and I knew I would be because he was my big bro and he made me feel safe.
The love I felt for him was real and I would do anything he asked me to. The only time I can recall really disrespecting him was when I was a about 11. We didn’t have a lot of money and pocket money wasn’t really a regular like others had. He use to have a big old whiskey bottle he would save twenty pence pieces in. Back in the day 60p could buy a can of drink, chocolate, crisps and enough change for a few penny sweets – and the temptation to indulge my sweet tooth was too great for me to resist.
The bottle was at the back of a wardrobe and he never really touched it except to top it up so it wasn’t on show, and as a youngster I wasn’t calculating the fact that I was spending and it wasn’t being replaced or of what the consequences might be. I got busted when he went to get some money and the majority had gone. He went ballistic but in fairness it was more verbal than anything else. I got off lightly as it must have been a fair amount if I think back on it now.
Naturally I apologised and I can honestly say I felt thoroughly ashamed, guilty and disappointed in myself doing it and having him think less of me. If it helps him, I believe my love of sugar was the top factor in me having bowel cancer. He can take some comfort in knowing karma came around and slapped me hard!
Fast forward to age 17 and the relationship between myself and my siblings was good. By then Dale had married and was living with his wife and 2 sons. My sister had also moved out so I at last had my own bedroom!!
This may not seem like such a big deal to most but it meant a lot to me. Life could always be better but I had my own little sanctuary. I was young, at college and living as much of my best life as I could. It was the early 90’s and in my opinion one of the best decades to be young and free! I’d always been sporty and would usually wear tracksuits and trainers, but I’d not long discovered the wonders of Lycra, batty riders and relaxers and it was game on!
Although Dale had moved out he spent a fair amount of time at the house as he had converted the box room into an office and he still had the gym set up. From as far back as I can remember it was a regular occurrence to have people in and out of the house who would come for workout sessions.
When I mentioned earlier that he was good looking make no mistake he knew it. He worked out a lot so had a good physique and it would seem, could charm the pants off of most women despite being somewhat follicly challenged. To say he had a lot of female attention is an understatement. Even at a young age I remember feeling a bit sorry for his wife. She was a lovely woman and you knew she adored the ground he walked on and the same could be said of his sons.
In most Black households back then a child knew their place and I knew mine. I would see shit and between myself and twin we’d discuss it, but there’s no way we’d have the front to address it to ‘big people’. In the future I would have conversations with other family members about it, but at the time it wasn’t an option.
Well it turns out it wasn’t just a workout but more a ‘wuk-up’ some were getting. Then again when you come training fully equipped wearing heels, mini skirts and reeking of Poison it’s not purely iron you’re pumping, and a particular “session” performed in the dark with the door locked came out in the light.
He’d managed to get one of them pregnant and that put an end to his marriage. Naturally he would move back home, and it was at this point I finally saw the wolf out of his sheep’s clothing. #TheDawningOfANuDay
At the time I had 2 single beds in my room and he saw fit to come cotch in MY room. Obviously I was a tad perplexed. There was never anything untoward, it was purely an invasion of privacy. It wasn’t just a sleeping situation. I’d sometimes come home in the afternoon and he’d be lying down so I couldn’t just come in, put on my tunes and relax or whatever the fuck I wanted to do.
I spoke to my mum about it. Now the thing you need to understand about my mum is she was a small, relatively quiet and easygoing woman until you pissed her off and then she’d tell you all about yourself. Except that is for her golden child.
Please don’t mistake this for some form of sibling jealousy. Anyone who knows my family will tell you that’s the way it was. She felt indebted to him for stepping up when her husband left her and I totally understand why she felt that way.
She, like myself, would do whatever she could for him in her own way, be it whipping up food for him and his friends, giving him use of her house for his own interests and allowing him to live there rent and bill free when he returned home – she was grateful so said nothing. Did it bug the fucking life out of me? Yes, but it was her choice to do it and it wasn’t my house.
She would later see the light but alas it was too late.
I suggested to her he give up one of the other rooms he was occupying and she told me to ask him, which I did. He straight up asked me why? I was astonished I had to spell shit out but I did, and even suggested having the box room, giving him the bigger room. I’d say that was more than a fair trade, right? Wrong! Unfortunately he thought I was being unreasonable and disrespectful for even asking.
I remember sitting there thinking who does that? How does he think it’s appropriate for a big hairy arsed 30 something year old man to share a room with a 17 year old girl? Who the fuck would want to? How is he so selfish he wouldn’t give up one of THREE rooms he was using for his sibling? It was either put up and shut up or get to stepping, so I decided to leave.
Ironically, the day I left I was going to his old home to babysit his sons. I sat waiting for a taxi with my suitcase and bags and when it arrived he left me with a few parting words. He told me to go on about my business. I was a slag and a slut and a whore and all I wanted to do was go and fuck man.
The cabbie helped me get my case and bags in the boot and I got in and broke down. The cab stunk to high heaven but he was kind enough to ask me if I was alright and seemed concerned. I couldn’t stop crying so he thankfully didn’t talk and left me to it. I remember arriving at my sister in laws home a complete mess and trying to compose myself and failing. She was sympathetic. I’m figuring by then she’d had no misconception of what he could be like.
We didn’t realise at the time that this was step one in his master plan and a real eye opener as to who we were dealing with. By we I mean me, because as you’ll discover it was as if I’d breached some form of protocol I wasn’t privy to in having the audacity to address him. His majesty is not to be questioned or displeased or off with your head – or out with your bags, whatever works!
He’d failed miserably at being king of his own castle, so he was coming back home to claim his throne and I was the first obstacle. I realise now his loving, parting words to me were nothing but transferring his own self worth on to me. I may have shown a lil’ ass, leg and cleavage but I was a virgin the day I stepped out of that yard with my bags in tow. He was the slag, the slut and the ho’ and all he wanted to do was fuck. Fuck women and fuck about.
Within 2 weeks of me leaving he’d decorated the bedroom and bought himself a double bed. Mission accomplished! #OneDownTwoToGo
I came back home after a week or so and stayed on the sofa for a couple of months until I moved out fully with a couple of friends and never looked back. After some time we got talking but our relationship was never the same again. He never apologised or felt any kind of way, it was simply forgotten by him and chalked up by me.
Referring back to that line at the start, we never had an issue until I dared to question him, and I didn’t create any of the problems he has since faced. He created all of his problems with his shady, shitty, cuntish manoeuvres. I am not the reason and because I won’t allow it I’m being classed as a troublemaker. Oh well! What you sow you reap, and I’m going to tell the world about his particular harvest.
Maya Angelou said when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. I heeded her word.
R.I.P to all those who have lost their lives this week.
Bahamas we feel your pain and are praying you get the relief and support you need ASAP.
I feel noice!* You know that feeling when you’ve done what you had to do and have a little free time, you’ve eaten and just had that first drag of choice ‘erbs whilst some tunes are playing to match your vibe and you feel content? I’m on those ones today.
Do you ever just sit back and feel thankhful for the little things? Like a full belly and room to breathe. Over the years there are many things I’ve felt, written about, spoken on and meant that I thought I understood, but I was only getting tasters.
I’ve always been sure of my heart and character but I was given the tools to set them free. Completely. It’s not that I’d ever hidden it, it’s more a case of being more in tune and free flowing. It’s taken some time to get here but my word, it was worth it! A little tip from me; if you’re ever offered a chance to try a different path have faith and take that step. You’ll know when your time is right. Your gut and the universe will throw up signs if you’re willing to see them.
I saw mine, and it was the beacon of light needed to see me through this shit show of a world we’re made to live in. Thankhfully no matter how dark it gets light can always be found. I’ve always known it but didn’t have a name for it until Queen Tee, aka Tanya Brooks-Carty, put me on to the word – Glimmer.
A glimmer works in the opposite way of trauma. The same way you can get triggered by trauma, you can get glimmer triggers. An internal or external cue that shines the light and brings the joy back! It really doesn’t take much to counterbalance the darkness if you try.
I’ve found my flex and I fully confess to being on a ‘hippy vibe” and honestly, what’s not to love about love!? This time 10 years ago I was heading into my last year of my 30’s with a niggle in my side, not knowing of the whirlwind to come.
Today I feel overly blessed to be able to tell you all about it – the good, the bad and the ugly – only in reverse. Hear me when I say I’ve more than been tested and survived and intend to thrive for how ever many days I’m blessed to be here.
I went for a walk with my daughter the other day and she said, “Mum, you’re shiny.” I automatically wiped my nose because it always seems to be glistening, but she said, “No, not your nose, you.”
If you understand my child that was a compliment!😂 Another term for it would be glowing, and she ain’t wrong and it ain’t all menopausal!😅
I feel me – and in comparison to all of the negative emotions I’ve felt and carried for years it’s infinitely better than that and then some. People may wonder and question it but how that looks to them is their concern. I give zero fucks about how others see me, so they can move an’ go ‘long!…with love of course.🙏🏾😂
I fully intend to keep finding the glimmers and shine!💫✨
STOP THE GENOCIDE AND FREE PALESTINE!!🇵🇸 Continuing to send love, prayers and support your way.🙏🏾
R.I.P to all those who have lost their lives this week.
*Nice with extra spice!😂
Glimmer And Shine, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife