It’s been 9 years since I was diagnosed with cancer and as I’ve previously discussed I have the lasting effects of chemotherapy in the form of neuropathy to contend with. I’m going to applaud myself here because despite how things look on the outside, the struggle is very much real.
I manage well enough throughout the day, but when it comes to winding down that’s when I really feel it. The varying sensations and temperature control can be a lot, but imagine my surprise when another symptom decided to pop up and say hello!
I discovered it one morning when I got out of bed and nearly fell on my ass. Thankhfully I managed to fall back on the bed. It was as if my feet were still asleep, then there was a rush of sensations as the blood flowed back to them. They were back to their normal form after a minute or so, but it has now become a regular morning occurrence. I then found myself doing a mental tally of my battered and aging body and added it to an ever growing list.😩
I can’t tell you how much I miss the BC* me at times. Adaptations have been made for certain missing elements – but right now, in this moment, I miss the way I used to be albeit knowing there’s not a lot I can do about it.
That’s not to say I don’t love who I am now because I really do – excess baggage all round ‘n’ all! What I lack physically has been more than balanced out by my mental, emotional and spiritual growth. I’m wise enough to know I can have my moments and still stay on track. It’s all a part of the journey and dependent on how long you want to stay in it for.
For someone who writes the most I really do need to be listening to me more!😂 The other night is a good example. I found myself doing something to keep ‘the’ peace, and it wasn’t until I was actually doing it that I realised my mistake. I shouldn’t have preoccupied the ‘the’ and focused on the peace. Whose peace was I keeping? ‘cause it damn sure wasn’t mine…
My usual Thursday night blog routine was disturbed by feeling absolutely shattered. You know them ones where you can feel it in your bones. The yawns are coming thick and fast bringing watery eyes and more exhaustion? Yep!, c’est moi!…but then a comment was made (but not made) and I found myself not so tired and more upset and frustrated.
I ended up having a word with myself, and once more awoke the next day with clarity and the ability to address it and let it go. There are times when you will do things to keep ‘the’ peace which is perfectly okay within reason, but if it’s at the risk of fucking with your own then always prioritise you. I should have done just that instead of working myself up and wearing myself out over a comment, and it’s fully on me. #BoundaryCheck
This week marked 3 years since the death of Chadwick Boseman, and of all of the celebrity passings I feel his the most; mainly down to it being the same type of cancer, our similar ages and of course ethnicity. To me and I’m sure many others of the Black community, he will be seen as the warrior he depicted and his legacy as an actor will live on as all legends should.
I feel blessed beyond measure to still be here. Regardless of how exhausted I may get and how many different circumstances come my way, I’m still afforded the pleasure to rise and get over it. I may not be able to leave a legacy as big and far reaching as King Chadwick but I will continue to leave my little legacy for future generations in my written word and podcasts.**
I love life and I love writing, and you should do more of what you love. Cancer gave me many lessons but the most predominant one is just when you think shit is at its worst you can still find beauty in the madness, and it can be the tiniest of things that has a profound impact on you. Hold on to those things and feelings – ‘tis a bumpy ride to be sure and all forms of cushioning are welcome.
Not everyone will understand your methods, but mate, if it gets you through do you! What’s good for the goose isn’t necessarily good for the gander so don’t be put off by others thoughts and opinions – when they start paying your bills or carrying your weight they can talk up.
I’ve ventured down many avenues to find where I am now and realise I was just peeling back the layers to expose my true core and nature. Now I see me and if my being human, open and honest helps even one of my future generations (or anyone in the present) to address beginning to heal their trauma in any way, I’m good with that.
R.I.P Mama Thompson and all those who have lost their lives this week.
*BC – Before Cancer. It was a whole other life but the same essence remains. #NuDawnBible
**They’re coming!😅 The tests keep testing and I continue to do the work, and it’s most definitely fodder for anotherday!
I Can C Clearly Now, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife
https://nudawndiary.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/pexels-micah-boerma-1008737-1-scaled-e1693609250969.jpg14781829NuDawnhttps://nudawndiary.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/IMG_0444-1030x1030.pngNuDawn2023-09-02 14:13:042023-09-12 19:57:55Now You C Me (Part 8)
On Tuesday I attended the nine nights of a true Slough legend and friend Mr Tony ‘Bangy’ Cunningham; and what a night it was!
No matter who we are we have 2 things in common and that is that we’re born and we die. How we spend the time in between can most times generally, albeit loosely, be summed up by the reaction of our passing. What mark did we leave? How many will genuinely miss us and feel the need to come out and show love?
We all have our faults. Nobody is perfect and despite you trying to be your best you, you will always have the ability to upset someone, some way, some how – it’s a part of human nature. We can’t be everybody’s friend and personally speaking, nor would I want to be.
But all faults aside, you would like to hope that the general consensus of the people that really know you would have some kind of positive view of you and would feel some form of relative emotion to boot. It ain’t gotta be a weeping and a wailing and the gnashing of teeth (😅) – but even one good memory would suffice. In Tony’s case things spoke for themselves.
The place was jammed. His people came through! I saw faces I hadn’t seen for well over a decade – boys turned to men!*😩, the numbers were truly a testament to his character. He was dearly loved and will be missed. It wasn’t until I saw a clip posted on social media that I realised how many people I hadn’t seen that were there.
To be fair a part of that also has to do with the fact that by the time I got there after work it was dark, and I’m currently rocking an old pair of glasses until I get my new pair and let’s just say it’s a struggle to focus when my ass should be bussing bifocals at the very least! #ToSeeOrNotToSeeThatIsTheQuestion
Which brings me to the awakening part. As I said it was late when I got there and you know what it’s like when there’s lots of people, you get caught up in hellos every few steps, but I was eager to go and see Tony’s partner, Gardel, and was told that she was inside and it would be easier to go through a particular door. I made my way over there and got stopped by my husband who pointed out a friend so I went over and greeted him briefly before excusing myself and telling him I’d be back to catch up soon and finally headed through the door and inside.
Now I’m aware that there were other people standing around and a few sat down, but I wasn’t focused on them because even if I did try it would have been a mission, and also because I wanted to see my friend first and foremost. After catching up with her I did the rounds inside and was told that a family member was sat outside the entrance I’d come through.
I went out to greet them and their partner and was met with 2 push’ up faces. I was asked if it’s only now I’m coming to say hello and they questioned if I hadn’t seen them sat there. They said they watched me come their way and speak to someone and ignore them and go inside. Sigh…
I explained the circumstances, and had a brief chat about the fact I’d been waiting to hear from them for weeks to which they informed me that they forgot, which I get. I will never judge anyone with a memory like mine…well, for certain shit anyway. There’s a particular section of my brain that ain’t forgetting fuck all trust, but still we move!
I kept it polite, said my goodbyes and continued to catch up with people, but that trigger switch had been activated. As ever, there’s a longer, stronger tale behind it than someone’s perception of not being acknowledged, but I’m not going to go into it now as it’s all a part of The Tales Of The Dales saga and I’d prefer to put them all to bed one time.
What I will share is that it was a damn sight quicker and easier to handle this particular trigger. All it took was a nights sleep with an awakening reminder that boundaries were put in place for a purpose and they have been doing a fantastic job of keeping the fuckery out so far. If it ain’t broke…
The fact is these people could quite easily have come and addressed me as they so clearly saw me but decided to get in their feelings with I’m guessing a hint of ‘elder entitlement’ to add to their negative energy. Well they can feel all the ways they want. I may not be as old as them but I’m fully grown, untied that bind time ago and keep telling y’all –
NOBODY WILL BE ALLOWED TO DISTURB MY PEACE!
Fuck about!
R.I.P to all those who have lost their lives this week.
Have a great Bank Holiday weekend and good luck to all of those venturing to Notting Hill! I’ll be with y’all in spirit but never again in body.😅
*S’up Trev!?😂🖤💚
Protect Your Energy, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife
After the passing of yet another good friend this week, I couldn’t help but reflect on some of the memories we’d shared, which in turn had me once again reflecting on friendships and relationships. I was sat on mums bench at the time, and then wouldn’t you know it, someone I used to speak to rounded the corner and walked past.
The joke is the reason we don’t talk is because I fell out with a mutual friend who put the call out to their minions that they too had to follow suit. Now, I’m fully aware of certain friendship codes, but in my opinion this didn’t warrant animosity from others. I didn’t break any of the commandments. I didn’t lie, cheat, steal their money, flirt with or fuck their man – I simply didn’t give them as much attention as they thought they deserved.
I’ve already explained it all in Friend Or Foe, Let Them Go! (Part 1), and my sentiments remain the same, but another emotion has been added to the mix since writing that. Pity. I watched this person and thought it’s a pity too many of us are sheep. It actually made me give a chuckle and a sad head shake. What a way to spend your life! It’s bad enough when we’re kids; it’s even sadder as grown folk. I already knew the lesson I’d learnt from our not talking but I sure caught the blessing that day too!
If I’m a friend of yours it’s based on my relationship with you regardless of how we got to know each other or your relationship with others. It’s not dependent on anything but the love and respect I have for you and your actions. Actions can be tricky though. Sometimes we can go through things that make us act out of character for a while, so you need to use your judgement. If it’s unusual give them time, but if it’s a regular nip that bitch in the bud!
The powers of hindsight and peace truly are amazing. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have any good times with those people; but I can see now that there was always an underlying level of negative energy and toxicity that was bubbling away. The contrast between that bunch and the friend I’d lost could not be more different.
I’ve managed to weed out a lot of the fake friends or they’ve fallen off naturally. It’s possible that they’ve grown in the years since we haven’t spoken, and I really do hope that’s the case; but I’ll be goddamned if I’ll ever be inclined to find out. My new and improved quality control won’t allow it. The friend count may be lesser in numbers but it’s abundant in authenticity.
I’m thankhful to have had some long and strong ones with many great memories made to more than balance out the shitty ones that came my way, and long may they continue. There is real power in laughter and good vibes, and I’ve been getting plenty of late!* I can’t reiterate how important it is to make memories and love on your people whilst they’re here. At some point it’s all we’ll have left, but if you’re lucky you’ll get to a point where you understand that true love never dies, it multiplies.
R.I.P Tony Cunningham. I hope you’re blaring tunes and having a blast up there! You’ll be missed by many. Sincerest condolences to Gardel and your family.
R.I.P to all those who have lost their lives this week.
*Shouting out the Shake The Room – Teatime Thursday/Thirsty Thursday Clubhouse room! Y’all had me weak! If you don’t know, please get to know! A special mention going out to Queen Pee – I mean Tee and tales of her special blend!🤣😂 Looking forward to sharing the madness with the masses!
Make The Memories Count, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife
https://nudawndiary.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/pexels-roberto-nickson-2775196-scaled.jpg17072560NuDawnhttps://nudawndiary.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/IMG_0444-1030x1030.pngNuDawn2023-08-18 12:53:212023-08-25 12:54:50Memories Don’t Leave Like People Do
So, full disclosure, I didn’t write a blog last week as I’d been in a bit of a funk due to this and that and *almost all of it a negative vibe.
It’s possibly my hormones, but I’ve been feeling hella emotional of late, and an Instagram post of a social experiment had me feeling all kinds of a way, despite me knowing better. There were 2 blind guys, one Black and the other White with a guide stick and dark glasses on and they had them individually walk down a high street and side up to a member of the public who was the opposite colour to them and hold on to their arm for support.
The results spoke volumes. When the white guy approached the Black people all but two continued to allow him to hold on and help guide him, and even then there were other Black folk with the 2 who didn’t help who stepped in and took their place and helped him.
Reverse the roles and every White person shrugged him off and went about their business.
I felt that. And that’s just it, we feel shit. I’m not saying we’re perfect, and as is the same for most ethnicities there are the bad, uncaring and or prejudice/racist ones; but I believe for most of us our levels of empathy and capacity to love is greater than most. It’s almost as if it’s been passed down with all of the trauma, trials and tribulations of our ancestors. We understand what it’s like to suffer and be made to feel a lesser person and would more time choose love over hate. We will still give it regardless of whether or not we get it back.
Obviously you’d be a little startled at a stranger grabbing your arm out of the blue, I’m pretty sure I would be, but after assessing the situation there’s no way I’m not going to help, whatever colour you may be you’re human first. From the time those White folk assessed the circumstances and still decided to walk on by you know exactly where their minds were at. For some no matter what position we’re in we’ll always be a threat.
This is why when I hear things like, “I don’t see colour” or “If you stop talking about racism it will stop existing” it annoys the hell out of me. All you have to do is look at HisStory to see that’s a crock of shit. They would rather delete and deny their misdeeds or try to spin it and make it appear they were doing us a favour than admit it; and if we allow that to happen we leave the door wide open for them to try their fuckery again as it’s clear some are just waiting for those good ol’ days to return!
It’s people of that mindset that caused my mood to lift extensively and why I’m still laughing days later. I’ve said it time and again but, I FUCKING LOVE US!!!
If you don’t know you need to google the Alabama brawl. Long story short, a Black dock worker was minding his business and doing his job when a group of entitled White folk decided to start antagonising him, all under the watchful eye of a boat load of passengers and staff waiting to dock. True to their red neck roots, their energy took hold and they thought they’d assert their superiority and hit him. Well!! My brother threw up his cap and sent out the signal.
It started as one on one but when he started to get the better of the White dude his friends jumped in – and that’s when the magic happened. The Black folk cried a collective ‘Not today!’ – and it was on! It really needs to be seen to be believed as I can’t do the running commentary justice! It was a beautiful sight to behold.
Hear me when I say I don’t do violence. I can’t even stand watching boxing, BUT I’m a BIG believer in if someone hits you, tump their claart right back – especially in these circumstances. My mum always told me that and I’ve told my girls too. Turning the other cheek or being the bigger person and walking away only allows them to hit you again on the other side or push you down from behind. Their generations done had their fun and games with us – the buck has well and truly stopped here.
Fuck around and you gon’ find out. You start it and we will finish it. That’s a **S.U.R.T! Just like those White folk in Montgomery we’ll show and prove that despite what you may think we can come together as one – and swim!🤣…well some of us anyway! I’m your stereotypical but working on it.😅
Shoutout to ‘Blaquaman’ Aaren, the young King who jumped from the boat and swam to the dock workers aid. I can only imagine the adrenaline levels to swim fully clothed and still have the energy to fight. Bravo young man. You set many examples that day without even realising it.
Another shoutout goes to the Montgomery Chair! One brother got creative and used a folding chair to fight them off!🤣…allegedly…👀…I hear they’re looking for him and I know nothing.🤷🏾♀️…👀…
Talking of creativity, the Black internet is truly undefeated when it comes to bussing jokes! I’ve laughed ‘til I cried seeing some of the memes, videos and songs in response. One thing about us is we’re gonna find a way to have a joke no matter the situation – and we know how to do it well!
But we can’t be all smiles all of the time. We have our limits and Black people on a whole have surpassed theirs when it comes to so called White superiority and supremacy. Pardon my French but you can suck out! I’m all for peace and love for all mankind, but my kind will get a bigger portion every time; and if my thoughts and sentiments disturb you or make you see me in a different light that’s on you. I’m good!
Too many who have no real experience of what it’s actually like to live as a Black person wanna come and chat the most sheggery on how things should be and how we should behave. No, you shouldn’t have to big up your colour or creed but we’ve been done down for too long, despite bringing our culture, flavour and swag to every corner of the Earth, and we’ve learned the hard way that if we don’t show us love and stand up for us no one else will. Granted some of us could do with working on our unity a lot more but such is life. The rest of us will continue whilst you catch up.
I honestly could have burst with pride seeing that video. I love my people. I love my colour and I love myself enough to know that I will never let any White person try me or us – and I make no apologies. Y’all can have several seats!
As a self confessed sun child the past couple of weeks have been seriously lacking! Yep, I know we’re lucky to see the suns ass as “often” as we do, but dang! This dipping in and out business ain’t the one! As I posted on socials earlier this week – July, Ju really be lying! KMT!
Life always seems a little lighter when the sun’s out. It’s a great mood lifter, but if like me you’re missing the joy it brings, there are other ways to bring a lil’ pep back in your step!
Some of the best things in life are free and that includes the 4 basic elements of nature – Earth, Air. Water and Fire. This week I’ve appreciated each one at different points.
In regards to earth and air, I had a walk in the park with my playlist working its magic whilst breathing deep and taking in the scenery. It’s good to clear your mind. It doesn’t have to be a walk in the park or a long meditation session. It can literally be just closing your eyes and switching off for a few minutes.
We get so caught up in the hustle and bustle that we convince ourselves that we don’t have a minute to spare, but you should always attempt to find some you time, no matter the length.
I had a glorious shower after work. You know them ones where you’re feeling sticky and icky because you’ve sweated out of every orifice and have to double check to see if you’re catching a whiff of you…👀😅….well today was one of those days! It wasn’t me, but I’m sure I wasn’t far off, and that shower seriously felt amazing. I like to imagine that I’m not only washing away the grime of the day, but all of the stresses and strains too. It honestly helps to visualise them being washed down the drain.
So that brings us to fire, and ok this wasn’t free, but it was on sale, and I do love a bargain! I bought me some lovely lights for the garden with a flame effect, and as I walked down to the *outhouse they were twinkling beautifully in the dark to escort me to bring the REAL fire with the Mr – and that most definitely is free, and easy!
We had a christening to get to…😏🔥
I’ve also had a good few chuckles this week and it’s a tonic I swear by. As much as the Mr can wind me up sometimes, he’s always had the ability to make me laugh. I have to shoutout the ‘Not A Raaaaaaaarse’ Clubhouse room for the morning madness and mayhem too. A great way to start the day!
I fully admit all of the above is even better when you’re basked in sunshine in an idyllic environment, but an elementary part of being is to start from the inside out. Get the mindset right and the rest will follow. We may not always have the ways and means to get away and escape it all, but clearing your mind and taking a little breather to do you (or have somebody do you 😏), can be a great substitute…Ok, who am I trying to kid!?! I may have exaggerated on the great, but it is good! Free up some time, be your own sunshine and let the good times roll!
R.I.P Shuhada Sadaqat aka Sinéad O’Connor. A beautifully talented artist and activist who didn’t get half the respect she deserved. May you rest in peace and all those who have lost their lives this week.
*Apologies Nasheta, ya girl’s been trying but outhouse she remains!😂
Congratulations Mr & Mrs Weston on your upcoming first wedding anniversary.😍 Wishing a beautifully blessed day for a beautiful couple and many more to come.
It’s Elementary And Meant To Be, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife
Believe it or not I really do attempt to live and let live, sip water and mind my business, but every once in a while you need to just talk the ting, and after some utter fuckery I’ve witnessed of late imma put my tuppence worth into the mix on the Transgender debate.
I truly don’t care what you identify as, but there are 2 lines I’d have you not cross – the manipulation and abuse of children and your approach on pleading your case.
I don’t personally know any transgender people, but my understanding of their change is that they don’t believe they were assigned the right gender that they were born with and want to be/live as their opposite sex. I get that part. Who am I to tell you how you feel? Do what makes you happy, but let’s not forget what you’re basing your changes on and can we get some boundaries put in place before making big bold movements.
I believe children should be protected and allowed to be kids for as long as possible without being involved in adult business. Obviously they need to be informed about sex and relationships when the time’s right and depending on their set of circumstances. I’m well aware that some children know their feelings from a very young age and can show signs of going in a certain direction, and it’s all well and good to discuss and act upon it, but within reason.
It’s only a short time that they’re kids. They can hold out on being pumped with hormones and all that comes with transitioning until they are more mentally prepared to handle it. The children of adults that have transitioned should be supported too. I saw a video recently that disturbed my spirit no end.
It was of a transgender woman who was highly emotional and distressed at not being able to breastfeed her child, but was still attempting to do so, knowing full well it was a futile effort but still insisting on doing so, telling us how he was latching on and she found it comforting. I’m sorry but no. She put it out there for the world to see her distress for clout and without any consideration of that poor baby. He’s not a prop, and there comes a point where lines need to be drawn.
I’m not asking for the whole trans community to be vetted, but when it comes down to involvement with kids Hell yes! And that’s not being biased because I would expect the same of all adults alike, no matter their persuasion.
I also read of one person who claimed to be a transgender woman so they put ‘her’ in a female prison and lo and behold ‘she’ managed to impregnate several cell mates.🙄
You really couldn’t make it up.
If they’re going to make moves like that at the very least the ‘woman’ in question should not have the ability to be able to get women pregnant. Why not make sure that they’ve gone through some form of medical procedure to ensure it won’t happen before placing them there? It shouldn’t be an issue for a real trans woman to accept. Why would you want to keep an appendage you detest so much?
On flip side, there are some that are so upset with their parts it’s verging on the ridiculous.
The fact that you may not want certain parts of your anatomy is fine, but it doesn’t give you the right to rename and reclaim what you decide would be a better description for genitalia. We all know that there are other terms used for those parts and it’s for the most part taken as is – with humour.
I would never expect any medical professional to call it anything other than what it is medical named – regardless of whether you want it or not, but one particular cancer trust has featured a glossary on its website stating ‘the correct language’ that healthcare professionals should use with terms such as ‘bonus hole’ instead of vagina to avoid upsetting transgender men…
They actually put that shit in writing. Bonus. Hole. It’s got me wondering what the name for an unwanted penis is? Chopstick? I’m honestly intrigued…
Speaking for myself and as a natural born woman, it kinda feels like a piss take – no pun intended. I can sympathise and understand the transgender plight and they have every right to be recognised, but can we do so without making demands on how it should be, degrading, demoralising and downgrading us?
It’s coming like a bad joke and women are at the butt of it. As much as the transgender community want to be respected we deserve the same in kind. That ‘bonus hole’ is the bringer of life – and at times misery. A woman’s lot is not an easy one and starts from a young age for some of us, and on top of that we have to fight for equality – now you wanna come bring wahala for those of us loving and accepting our natural, earthly form. KMT!
I know this may sound harsh but can we just reality check and real talk for a hot minute. I fully recognise and appreciate some people feeling like they’re born as the wrong gender. As an adult you can identify as what you like, which in itself is a slippery slope as predators like to take advantage and the populous is all too willing to bend so as not to offend; but somewhere along the line logic needs to come into play.
You can feel all the feels, dress and live as you like and make all of the medical enhancements you feel necessary, genetically getting close to being what you desire, but ultimately you will never be 100% all woman/man. It’s impossible, and no amount of foot stamping, clout chasing or name changing will change that fact, and that’s ok. Don’t let your main purpose get lost in translation.
You can live your life without encroaching on what you deem an anomaly and trying to make us feel lesser than because you do. Time is precious. Enjoy it and do you – but please do so without attempting to have us pander to fuckery and fitting into your a-gender. Pun intended.
R.I.P to those who have lost their lives this week.
Be Happy And Free ~ Just Don’t Involve We! Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife
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