Reality Check Me! (Part 2)

“Sittin’ in your church on Sunday
Thinkin’ who you gonna screw Monday
Who you gonna teef? Who you gonna rob?
Tek it as me tell you say, you can’t fool God, No!”

By His Deeds ~ VC

On Tuesday I attended the funeral of a lovely friend who passed away suddenly. I’ve known her and her family for as long as I can remember as we grew up on the same road, and her celebration of life turned out to be a reunion of old faces and a refreshing of memories long forgotten.

Enquires were made on how my family were, with some unaware of mums passing and the family drama that had been before and after that time. I filled them in but didn’t delve too deep. A few I directed to my website so they could catch up in their own time. Some were surprised, some not so much! You can fool some of the people some of the time…

Which brings me to why I’m writing this blog today. In part 1, I told you I was still doing the work. Growth is an ongoing process and peace takes preservation. I’m happy to say that I’ve still managed to conserve my peace, but had no real test on my growth until recently.

There are 3 main perpetrators who caused me the most upset over the years. Two are my siblings, who I have spoken about in Tales Of The Dales, but the third is my brothers partner. You’ll find out more about her involvement in the wrap up blogs, but for now I’m going to focus on something that she’s said before and still continues to say.

I know she continues to say this because my first test since leaving the retreat was being in her company. I fully admit that on previous occasions I had declined invites from my nephew because I knew that she would be there. It wasn’t that I was scared of her, far FAR from it! Actually correction; I was scared, but it was along the lines of I was scared I may cause him embarrassment or cause us to fall out when I run my mouth or try to clap her in hers; hear me when I say the urge was strong! – so I thought it best I steer clear.

When my great nieces Earthday rolled around a few weeks ago I accepted the invite without the usual apprehension, and I can report back that all was good in the hood! I even managed to sit at the same table. Ok, there was no chit chat to be had but still, come – look at growth!✌🏾😂

My second test came at my friends funeral as I knew my brother would be in attendance. Not gonna lie, I did eye roll when I saw him and possibly muttered a lil’ somethin’ somethin’ (👀), BUT I was calm and unfazed throughout the whole day, and for the first time felt another genuine emotion relating to him – humour. I seriously had to laugh, unfortunately you’ll have to wait to hear the joke.

But please don’t get shit twisted. To me, that’s as far as breaking bread will get – which brings me to the phrase his partner likes to use. She’s a life’s too short and we should just “sweep it all under the carpet and move on” type of chick.

Maybe it’s just me or coincidence, but isn’t it funny how the main perpetrators and instigators of all the fuckery are usually the first to want to sweep sh(it) all under the carpet and move on when they believe the time is right. 

The thing is when you sweep it all under the carpet it might be out of sight, but you leave obstacles for folk to trip and bus’ their ass on; and I’m unsteady enough on my feet at the best of times. I’d much prefer to rip that fucker up and put it on the pyre. Furthermore, let’s incinerate all bridges* whilst the fire’s blazing. #BunAndDun

Why would I cover it up and play the fool, like I wouldn’t be inviting them back to potentially do it all over again? In all of the years not once has there been any sign that they were sorry or felt remorse for their actions. I can’t and won’t pretend that it never happened and the years of heartache, pain, misery and lack of accountability mean nothing.

Nah, I’m good thankhs. And when I say it I mean it. I’ve learned the meaning of true forgiveness and it doesn’t involve me having to allow them one iota. It’s about forgiving myself for allowing them to get me to those dark stages and places. It’s been a slog and a half to get where I am now and I’m applauding myself for making it through in spite of them.

Their shit is theirs to own, no matter how big or small a part they played. By his deeds shall a man be known. I wrote a blog by the same title back in 2017 and invite you to have a refresh. Since then the venom has gone, and so has mum, but the memories are harder to shift – all of them.

I always knew what I was doing was right and can stand by every step made with my head held high, so there’s no need for me to cover anything up under carpets or grey clouds. NuDawn is rising and she’s shining bright. If it gets a little too hot for some or it exposes their dark spots, that’s honestly not my concern.

By His Deeds Shall A Man Be Known (Link)

Happy Heavenly Earthday/Birthday tomorrow Mumsy. Gone but most definitely not forgotten. Ever!

See you next lifetime Queen.🖤💚

R.I.P Tara Bailey. It was truly a beautiful send off. Your family did you proud. I’m pretty sure you were shining down with the sun and catching up on all of the gossip!😂

R.I.P Queen and legend Tina Turner and to all those who have lost their lives recently.

*To those who don’t know, Bridges was my maiden name, a name my brother carried until changing it by deed poll. Unfortunately for him it doesn’t matter what you call yourself or how you attempt to reinvent yourself if your centre’s still the same. #JustSayin

Dizzy Nu Heights, Blinded By The Lights💫, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife

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Reality Check 1! (Part 3)

And we’re back to go over the delights of ‘Wilting Wednesday’.

I thought Monday was bad enough. 

I’d dared to wear an over the head hoodie. Rookie mistake! Take a tip from me – light, easily accessible layers!! In this bi polar weather it’s not easy I know, but it’s even harder when your body is on the same levels.

I forgot myself, which isn’t hard when you throw brain fog in the mix. I’d had a reprieve via some gummies and things were looking up, but that’s just a distant memory now…or is it?…one forgets…

Anyway back to the hoodie. It was all good until I felt heat rising up from my feet. I asked the question in my social media post of did you know that your shins sweat? Well, did you!? It came up in conversation with a friend and we were wondering if this is a common side effect? I know it’s skin and naturally has this ability, but honest to goodness I never noticed before…then again I’ve never flowed so much before so I’m guessing I broke through the dam.

I tried to will it away but could feel a subtle sheen appear on my face – the prequel. As the heat rose through my body and reached my neck I pulled the collar forward and a feeling resembling opening an oven hit my face – cue the main event. I could feel the beads of sweat form then roll down my face, and with that started furiously fanning the collar to and fro in an attempt to cool down, but that only resulted in fanning the flames. 

I honestly felt like I was suffocating and drowning at the same time. I couldn’t even remember what I had on underneath but that shit was coming off no matter what delights it had been covering. I pulled it off and released the heat. I was braless but had a vest on. I’m not usually one to go braless as my nipples will grab any opportunity to say hi – not that there’s anything wrong in showing a nip or two, but I’ve personally seen how distracting they can be for some!🙄😂 

At particular times of the month even a breeze is enough to have them throbbing let alone material rubbing on them, no matter how soft. Just another joy for us to behold, so I’d opted for semi-comfort that day. With lesson learned from that event, I layered up and had a relatively ok Tuesday, with only a few flushes during the day; but bring forth the night – bring forth the fuckery!

I like to sleep naked wherever possible. This has its ups and downs.👀😂

One is easy access! I’m thankful (and so is the Mr!) that my libido hasn’t waned throughout – if anything it’s improved, and much to the em-ba-razz-ment and discomfort of our daughters, we still enjoy a healthy (albeit not as loud as I would like it to be but soon to be rectified) sex life.

As much as you’d like to keep it down it can get a little noisy, and I appreciate they don’t want to hear it, but as I told them, no stork bought yo’ ass here! The time to be concerned is when it’s not your dad I’m fucking. Until that day, turn the music up and find your happy place – I know I’m about to, and long (and ebony strong!😏) may it continue!

But saying that…

I’m pretty certain he would love it if it was an everyday occurrence, and as much as that is a nice thought it can stay as such. I don’t mean that disrespectfully, but sometimes it’s not even about me not wanting it, it’s about me not wanting to combust. It’s about please don’t touch me because I’m radiating enough heat already and that hand you just placed on me feels like I’m being branded.😩

I can’t complain as he is mostly understanding. Like I said, he’s living the dream with me so has it all in living colour, and I can appreciate it must be frustrating for him at the same time. As much as I’m lying there naked I’m not sure how much of a turn on it is looking a hot, sweaty mess before any action has taken place, lying on a towel whilst mopping with another one and fanning with the other hand. I’m grateful to have a husband who will actually listen and not simply dismiss it as “women’s issues.”

To be fair, it’d be hard for him to dismiss, unless he was a complete ignoramus, which thankhfully he isn’t. It’s hard to deny when you wake up and you’re facing your wife’s feet instead of her face because she’s doing that manoeuvre similar to when you chase the sunshine in your garden, and you move position to make the most of the heat; I’m doing the same in reverse, seeking out the cool spots on the bed. It’s a super king size so doable, but then you get the downside, once you’ve cooled down you’re literally left freezing your ass off until the next flush. 

Needless to say that it isn’t subject for sleep alone but throughout the day. Can folk please appreciate the effort it takes to go out-out too. The effort to look “hot” but not look hot and yet stay cool (as in temperature😂), is a real challenge. Most days I wish I could walk around naked with just a dressing gown and slippers so I can release the heat yet stay warm. Now I truly understand why women had fans and fainted so much back in the day. 

I love heat. I’m a self confessed sun child and will grab any opportunity to catch some rays and top up my melanin, and if/when it gets too much I know there are ways and means to control the levels I get. When I say Wednesday hit different that’s an understatement! This heat is internal and there ain’t no thermostatic control. It was a continuous flow of flush after flush and sweating from my roots to my toenails. I swear at one point I questioned if I was being possessed!🥵

The comparison is often made between women throughout history, and it’s thought that we’re now somehow a weaker generation because we acknowledge and speak on women’s health. Could it be that the reason they were so quiet previously was because they literally weren’t allowed to speak up or were not comfortable with speaking on it for fear of it being used as a weapon to beat them round the head with, and further fuel for the masculine fire of them being weak and unworthy? They were just supposed to be subservient little women, who looked pretty, cooked, cleaned and bred. 

The pathway has now been cleared for us to say yes, there are clear differences between the sexes, but we each have qualities to be celebrated and admired equally – it doesn’t have to be a battle. In general the majority of men have more physical strength, but for the majority of women we have an inbuilt strength that cannot be denied.

All of the men I have spoken to who have read part 1 have said the same thing, and that is they are glad they aren’t a woman. That’s all I need to hear, because it shows me that they know we have the most shit to handle and wouldn’t want it for themselves; yet the majority of us manage to handle it – sometimes barely! – but still we move, and that’s on top of all of the other labels attached to being a woman. What would be fantastic is if more males took the time out to acknowledge and appreciate it.

So to all of my Queens out there – big up ya hot, sweaty chests! We are fucking phenomenal! If every once in a while you have a meltdown whilst melting down, feel no way. Speaking for myself, if I were to have a negative reaction to all of the sheggery I go through I’d be a right miserable cow, so I always attempt to curb it somehow, but the reality is we all need to vent, and sometimes when you share the load it can be lightened.

Big love and huge thankhs to each and every Queen that supplied me with advice and tips!🙏🏾

I’m trying a few so will follow up in a few weeks and let you know how things go.

R.I.P to all those who have lost their lives this week.

Big Up Ya Chest!, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife

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Reality Check 1! (Part 2)

⚠️ Warning for all of the ‘delicate males’* out there.

This blog contains a lot of talk of punani but more than likely not quite how you’d like or possibly ever want to imagine it.

It gets pretty graphic.

You have been warned; although I’d urge you to read it if you have any females in your life, just to gather a little understanding to how our lives can be.⚠️

After my day on Wednesday I thought this would be the ideal time for a health update. 

At the end of part 1 I told you that I was awaiting a scan. Well I had that a few weeks later and it didn’t show up anything more than a couple more fibroids, but they were relatively small and no issue, so they sent me on my merry way with a few pamphlets on contraception (😑) and said to get in touch if my symptoms worsen…

Hmmm…

On October 11th 2021 I came on my period, bringing with it all it usually does. On October 29th it decided to stop. Yes, please do the math! 18 long ass days of bloody misery! I breathed a sigh of relief that it had finally stopped and carried on living and shit (I say and shit because that’s what it was at the time), but wondering wtf that was all about. I didn’t realise that was the teaser.

On November 1st it returned with full force. I tried to call the doctors and make an appointment but could never get through so left it and just dealt with it; until the early hours a couple of mornings later. I’d already been up twice that night to change my pad as I’d leaked through and was changing them every hour. After a particularly bad cramp I decided to head downstairs to the loo once more.

If you’re a heavy bleeder you’ll know that there’s a manoeuvre you do when attempting to presume an upright position from lying down. There’s no hop, skip and jumping going on. More a slow pivot until your legs are off the bed, then you slowly raise your torso as you try to evaluate the level of gushing you’ll have to contend with.

Then you slowly rise and there she flows! Only this time for me it was with abundance. As I stood up it felt like I was having a wee but I knew I wasn’t. Thankfully I had some old tracksuit bottoms on, and as I put my feet in my slippers I felt the warm blood flowing down my legs to greet them.

Our bathroom is situated downstairs, so I grabbed a hand towel, shoved it in my tracky bottoms and made my way precariously down the stairs and to the bathroom. I sat on the loo and you could literally hear the blood and clots pouring out of me and hitting the bowl. I pulled the towel from my bottoms that I’d discarded on the floor and tried to stem the flow.

I remember sitting there observing the carnage. Quentin Tarantino would have been proud of the scene. 

I knew I had to move and get myself sorted so I shuffled off the loo to the sink and grabbed my flannel and body wash and tried to clean myself up as best I could, then wrapped my bottom half in another towel and went back upstairs. I grabbed another towel as the one between my legs was saturated and found some other old bottoms to put on. 

I called 111 and explained what was going on and they told me they’d book me into A&E and to get down there straight away. I’d usually get the Mr to take me, but he was laid up with covid, so I grabbed my bag and another towel and pair of bottoms and headed downstairs back to the crime scene and took photographic evidence before cleaning up and knocking on my firstborns door to get her to take me to Wexham.

Yes I took photos. I learnt the hard way that some of these professionals like to think they know it all, yet a lot of their knowledge is based on old findings. Incorporate that with the fact I’m a Black woman I’m making sure no one can doubt what I say. I remember having a debate with a teacher once when she told me you only lose around 2 tablespoons of blood when you have your period. I knew for a fact that was bullshit at my young age but she sat there trying to force this fact down my throat. That’s why I made sure to teach my girls different, and not just about that but many other things. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll keep on saying it;

DON’T RELY ON THE SYSTEM TO EDUCATE YOUR KIDS ON EVERYTHING!!

That’s another topic we’ll be revisiting soon. It has its uses but too many are too eager to eat the lies we’re fed…but moving on!

Thankfully when I got to the hospital not only did I get taken through to triage relatively sharpish but a friend happened to be there and got me taken up to gynae quickly too. At this point I was changing pads every 20 minutes.😩 

I had a few hours wait as the gynaecologist was in surgery, but was finally seen by some young man who I’m sure could possibly have been young enough to be my son. He asked me a few questions about my period history and what had happened that day then asked me to pop myself on the table so that he could have a look and possibly get a biopsy.

I sorted myself out behind the curtain and lay down on the table. A nurse came in when I said I was ready and put my legs in stirrups, and I sat there legs akimbo feeling blood pooling underneath me waiting for sonny boy to do the do!

A few minutes later he arrived and positioned himself between my legs, grabbed a handful of paper towels and cleared the way before diving in. I lay there watching and feeling him attempt to reach my cervix and get a biopsy, but all he could get was clot after clot. And then, at last, he made it through and whispered those magical words – “I think you’d be a good candidate for a hysterectomy, or at least something more permanent.” 

Hallefuckinglujah!! 

No more pamphlets on contraception! It only took nearly bleeding out but hey, we got there in the end! He gave me a prescription for something to ease the flow and explained my options, saying that he’d recommend an endometrial ablation first and if that didn’t work a hysterectomy. He gave me some booklets on them and said that he’d be arranging to get me seen as soon as possible.

An endometrial ablation is procedure to remove the lining of your womb in the hope that it lightens or completely stops your periods. On March 4th 2022 I had mine done. It was quick and painless and I’ve been period free ever since! Happy days!!…ish

I can’t describe to you the joy and freedom of not bleeding. You can wear what you want and don’t have to have a bagful of products at hand just in case Aunt Flo decides to pay a surprise visit. I’m still a piece para though so walk with a couple pads. I’ve been here before feeling ‘noice’ and then my body has humbled my claart!😂

I still get emotional and hormonal too but it’s not as severe as it used to be. Overall it’s been fantastic, but I can’t help feeling like I’m still the butt of Mother Nature’s joke! She said ok Dawn, you wanted shit to dry up – tek dat!, and promptly stopped the flow and took all moisture in that region with her to boot! She didn’t stop there though! She replaced the blood for sweat, and I’ve got the tears to complete the set!😩😂

And that brings us to what I’ve now renamed ‘Wilting Wednesday’. 

If you’ve seen my social media posts you would have bared witness to the effects of the joke that is the menopause, aka menace-no-pause. 

For those of you who haven’t seen it I’m leaving the link for you to have a peek before continuing on in part 3!

https://www.instagram.com/p/CsE4uIDL4eA/?igshid=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==

R.I.P to all those who have lost their lives this week.

This week has been an emotional rollercoaster like you wouldn’t believe, but peace is still working her magic.🙏🏾

*I’d love to say that my husband doesn’t fit into that category but he’s a work in progress, after all he has little choice – he’s living the dream with me!😂

Reality Check…(Part 1)

Reality Check 1! (Part 3)

Reality Check 1! (Part 4)

Glow With The Flow! Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife

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You’ll Never Walk Alone

“When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don’t be afraid of the dark…”

Gerry and The Pacemakers ~ You’ll Never Walk Alone

You’ll be pleased to know it’s no long ting today! I’ve still got writers cramp from last week!😅

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting as those hits keep on coming, and I’m aware there’s a lot of people hurting in one way or another so I just wanted to show a little love and give a little advice.

Back in December 2019 I wrote a blog summing up what I then thought had been my ‘Detox Decade’.

I recalled all of BFD of the past and gave a sigh of relief that I’d made it through – a little battered and bruised but on the other side with 20/20 vision for 2020 and fresh hopes!

What I actually got was fresh hell!😩

I can only speak for myself and of my own experiences, but take it from someone who has been through many a trial and tribulation over many years as you will soon hear – there is light at the end of the tunnel! Granted some tunnels are longer and darker than we’d like or ever imagined, but you don’t have to walk them alone. 

I thought I only started stepping through mine in 2014 when I was diagnosed. In truth the lights had been dimming for time before then, but my eyes had adjusted to it. Thanhkfully pure light and guidance can be found in many forms. You got options people! Don’t ever doubt that there’s a way out.

I’m going to a 50th celebration of life at the weekend. I know way too many who haven’t reached this milestone and way too many who have passed recently for me not to be there and celebrate it with them. Time spent on your own is essential, but it’s equally important to have good energy around you.

I’m happy to say that I have new additions to the NLC – NuDawn Love Collective – the Kings and Queens who have played a part in making sure this NuDawn rises and shines. It also means that, unfortunately, I can’t be with my Tribe on Saturday as they aid and assist the newbies on their journeys. Sending big love, light and positive vibes your way. I’ll be with you in spirit, but know that you’ve got this! And regardless of whether you do or don’t – we’ve got you.💚

R.I.P to all those who have lost their lives this week.

Detox Decade! (Link)

Yes, the podcasts are coming! It’d be easier if I could get the words out and handle listening to myself talk, but still we move…albeit slowly!😂

Congratulations Nadia Jae and team on your gold Aria award for your Breakfast Show. It’s well deserved and as a member of the BC, I salute you!🫡

Keep on glowing Queen!

Yes, I am a LIVERPOOL supporter and We Never Walk Alone!! #YNWA

There’s Always A Way Out Of The Dark, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife

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