Now You C Me (Part 1)

For those of you who are unaware I was diagnosed with stage 3 bowel cancer 2 years ago. At the time I didn’t go public until I was told I was in remission last year – that’s to say ‘social media public’ – my nearest and dearest were aware, but I’m not really the type who likes to air my business too much (though you will get a few exclusives here), and if I’d have ‘checked in’ every time I was in hospital you’d have been bored within a month!

As you can imagine I have many tales to tell about my “journey” and I’ll touch on everything eventually but today I’d like to talk about one of the many ‘lovely’ side effects I got through having chemotherapy. It’s called Neuropathy, which is nerve damage AND IT’S A BITCH!!

I suppose I only have myself to blame as I chose to have chemo, but when you’re put in a life or death situation you’re gonna hold on to any lifeline on offer, and when it’s the experts telling you, you’re gonna listen. I only wished I’d done more research into it before making the choice because if I had I would never have poisoned my body and looked for a more natural alternative instead of being sold on statistics. Should I ever have to make that decision again it’d be a whole other story!

Don’t get me wrong, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I was determined to fight it to be here for my girls. I knew there was a chance I could get a few side effects on the list so when they started it wasn’t a shock. I had neuropathy in my hands and feet but was told it usually subsides once chemo stops. Usually….

Unfortunately for me it got so bad they had to stop the drip form of chemotherapy for the last month, but after seven months the damage had already been done. Thankfully my hands are ok unless it’s really cold but my feet got it big time!

On the outside I look fine and I’ve always taken good care of my feet so they look ok and you’d be forgiven for thinking I’m all good. I’ve bumped into a few people and they’ve commented on my walk being ‘leisurely’ or how I’m ‘strolling along’, and had to explain that it’s not by choice! I’d give anything to be able to fast walk my ass through Slough high street believe me!

Let me try to describe to you exactly what it feels like in a way you can understand. Imagine that you went shopping all day and dancing all night, then ran the London marathon and danced all around Notting Hill carnival, then walked 500 miles and then you walked 500 hundred more……ok slight exaggeration, but you know when your feet are proper mashed down; throbbing and bunin’ you? – it’s that one there but with the added pleasure of extra super sensitivity! (hear me when I say a bed sheet has bought tears to my eyes!)

It’s chilblains, pins and needles and sunburn rolled into one. My feet are either on fire or frozen with the occasional happy medium of numbness and because of this I’ve had to go up shoe sizes and can only wear flat shoes, the most comfortable being Ugg type boots. Driving is easier than walking but even that’s causing me problems pushing down on the pedals. Oh, and did I forget to mention the fact that it fucks up your balance? So if you see me swaying occasionally I’m not high (👀) I’m just trying not to fall on my face. This is my life, all day, everyday! #IWokeUpLikeThis.

There is no cure but there are pain relief tablets I can take to ease the pain. Erm…no thank you. It’s not even about soldiering it out or playing a martyr, it’s about self preservation and paranoia! I’ve first hand experience of what damage drugs can do to the body; I friggin’ feel it in every step, yet they would have me pop more pills on a daily basis for what? To take a little pressure off and the chance to fuck myself up, get addicted and rely on more drugs to deal with that too? I’ll pass thanks. Yet because I choose to do so my disability is being questioned by the powers that be. It’s like If you don’t want prescription drugs you don’t need any help, naturally!!

I’m not writing this for sympathy, but I am writing it to draw attention to the many invisible disabilities that are out there, because until I got one, I would probably look at someone like me driving into a disabled space and wonder what the deal is.

Not every person is fleecing the system for ‘cushy parking’ or what they can get. I’ve seen the looks and heard the comments about me sitting when I’ve got flat shoes on yet matey’s bunions are trying to bruck out of her stilettos so her need for the seat is greater! I’ve seen the judgey side eyes of old folk and pregnant women and the more blatant ones watching me in my face and assuming shit, even questioning my badge when it’s fully on display, and to you all I’d like to say FUCK YOU!

The struggle is real bitches! I’d love to see some of you handle this shit! It takes a lot to keep smiling and carry on when you’re constantly in pain but I suck it up and think I do a good job at keeping the whinging to a minimum, because really and truly I’d have every right to be a miserable cow! #JustSaying….

But for me, peace, love and positivity is the key……and a few natural herbs!

R.I.P to all that have lost their lives this week.

Don’t Judge A Book By The Cover, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife

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R.I.P’d Off (Part 3)

Bloody hell Dawn, part three!!, I hear you cry! I’m sorry, but there’s a lot to cover. I will be changing it up over the next few weeks (unless something really big warrants an airing) BUT there will be more parts to come. Today I’d like to address my people on a level and maybe encourage a few to wake up and STAY WOKE!!👀

There’s no denying that as a people our struggle has been and continues to be REAL! I’ve been over the atrocities previously and won’t hash them out again but I’d like to remind us that we weren’t always downtrodden – WE ARE KINGS AND QUEENS! Only we need to remind ourselves and exchange the “shackles” we’ve helped secure around our necks for the crowns SOME of us deserve. I say some because as in every race there are the few that can’t help themselves and unfortunately make things harder for us as they are still in a deep coma!

The reason I say we’ve helped to secure the shackles is because for the longest while we’ve found it hard to support our own. For some reason we begrudge a brother or sister for trying to make it up, not realising that the pie is big enough for everyone to get a slice. You support me, I’ll support you, and we can all eat!

Sounds simple enough, but our problem is we’re too focused on how big the other persons slice is and not the fact that we’re all eating and more pies can be baked! There was a time it wasn’t like that. Once upon a time we were all in the same boat – pun intended – and WE KNEW THAT WE WERE ALL WE HAD! We were all Black no matter what “ends” you came from and that was enough. WE had US because no other fucker did. #RealTalk.

Fast forward to 2016 and it’s a very different tale….from one aspect anyway. We’re still getting little love from the majority but we lost our love of US along the way. I’m not saying I don’t understand why to a certain extent. Times are hard enough but when you’ve got black or brown skin it’s usually a tougher ride.

We’ve all got bills to pay, mouths to feed and me and mine is a priority! Yet more time we’re just too damn watchy-watchy!👀 Sorry, not sorry to fire that truthball at ya!! My fiancé has been promoting for all but especially black people for decades, and trust me I’ve heard a lot of talk over the years (despite not being delivered to the face!) ‘Why should they pay x amount for this when he drives a car like that and they drive a banger?’ ‘He’s been on holiday twice this year and they haven’t been anywhere!’ ‘He’s obviously got money to burn!’ ‘He thinks he’s too nice because he’s friends with x, y, z.’ Blah, blah, blah…..

Always watching and assuming and never bothering to think that there’s 101 reasons as to why he has this or goes there. It must be all the money he’s raking in so I won’t support him – he’s got more than enough. But quite frankly if you do the maths of what it takes to put on an event you’d realise that you’re actually getting a good deal and there’s no need for the red eye!

It’s funny how some won’t think twice to fork out hundreds on designer items, further fattening the pockets of a person who has millies in the bank and deep down doesn’t want you wearing their brand but will take your money season after season, but you’ll watch matey sideways and question his motives for trying to entertain your Black ass for £25! KMT!

One positive thing to come out of the recent events in Amerikkka so far is the fact that we are actually pulling together. It’s like the majority have been reminded of the time when we truly were WE and did for US. It’s a shame it has taken us this long but despite the lack of mainstream media coverage things are beginning to happen slowly but surely. We are finally recognising there is nothing wrong in supporting our own and doing US!

After singing about it for decades is a change finally gon’ come? Right now in this world we live in it’s like nothing’s impossible anymore so I give us hope! WE GOT THIS! We just need to be united and remain that way. Hell, you know shit’s for real when Bloods and Crips unite

I’ll be addressing the celebrities and what part they play in a later blog but the last word goes out to the everyday mums and dads of a generation that will be looking after us in our old age (should we live to see it!)

I beg you please teach your children our history and what’s happening in the world today. TALK HARD!!! – in Amerikkka and England, because after watching a group of little shits causing aggro in Hyde Park and ransacking McDonalds in the week I was absolutely disgusted. I can’t even put it on the boys alone because some of the girls are just as wild and unruly.

I hope if you caught your little angel causing destruction and disruption you put them well in check because I guarantee you if it was one of my daughters they’d be getting it! SHIT IS REAL OUT THERE! This is no joke. You can’t have them add fuel to the fire and then blame others for them getting burned.

Same to the wannabe “G’s” out there fighting each other because ‘my man’s not from ends.’ You don’t own the streets and you ain’t no mother f*****g “G” fam!! All you are doing is making it easier for those who want us down to keep us down. It’s pathetic and pointless. Shooting a gun or starting beef does not make you a man. It makes you a dick. Y’all love to follow Amerikkka so much well how about you follow the lead the REAL gangsters are taking now? #JustSaying.

R.I.P Mzee Mohammed and all those who have lost their lives this week.

WAKE UP!, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife

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R.I.P’d Off (Part 2)

For those of you who have no interest in what’s happening to Black people I suggest you avoid reading my posts titled R.I.P’d Off  because that will be the topic of conversation. As there are many factors to consider when addressing the situation I’ve chosen to break it down into sections because I really could go on for days! Today it’s the media’s time for some attention.

To clarify, I know some of you are wondering why Black people over here are getting so upset and riled up. It’s because white superiority isn’t contained to just Amerikkka – it’s a global phenomenon! I can speak from my own personal experiences when I say that the police in England can be just as racist and unprofessional – to the point of me having a meeting with two commissioners from the IPCC (I don’t play!) to tell them just that.

Wanna know what they told me? That they cannot deny and fully admit that there is a problem and they are “working on” training programs for officers so there can be better relations between ethnic minorities and the police. I swear that’s the line they are taught in response to every incident found to be racist. That was approximately 5/6 years ago and from what I can tell not a damn thing has changed!

I’ve heard people say “Well at least our police are better than over there!” No love, they’re not. You’d better believe the only reason our roads aren’t running red (and literally our saving grace) is because the everyday bobby can’t carry a gun, because the ones that ARE allowed to make sure they shoot to kill too. Theresa May-Or-May-Not touched on this topic in her speech on Wednesday. I won’t be holding my breath that much’ll change but crack on!

So it’s been a week since the fatal shootings in Dallas and what do the media have to say now? When I turn on my tell-lie-vision are people still shown to be hurting and in uproar? Are communities pulling together to support their own? Are Bloods and Crips uniting in peace for their people? Are peaceful protests happening and innocent protesters being arrested for no reason? Have petitions been made and are celebrities coming together and campaigning?

I know the answers to all of the above but I didn’t hear much about it through mainstream television or media outlets. Only today I heard about how Obama feels. And why is that? Why can I hear how Micah Xavier Johnson has now made officers in Dallas fear for their safety for the first time and have a full rundown on HIS history but I don’t know the names of the cops who killed Alton Sterling and Philando Castile in cold blood?

I’m sorry but I actually laughed when I heard that the police fear for their safety – because it’s a fucking joke! They don’t fear for their safety – the fear only arrives when it’s a Black person with a gun…or not…or sells CDs…or wears a hoodie…or takes their family out…or fails to signal…or tries to breathe – you catch my drift?

Yet we have nothing to fear at all according to the media. These killings needn’t have happened if we complied. Every one of these people killed by police had some kind of chip on their shoulder or some justifiable reason as to why they died. The police treat everyone as equals and the media never lies.

They tell us things so it must be true! They don’t all regurgitate the same crap about statistics of “Black on Black” crime etc and have their little ‘specials’ on Black power groups arming up in order to create an image of us being killing machines so someone needs to put us in check. None of that! They’re the good guys!

Firstly, yes there is a lot of crime – it’s not Black on Black crime it’s just crime. They happen to be committed by Black people against Black people because that’s who they’re surrounded by. Blacks living on top of Blacks will commit crime the same way Whites living on top of Whites commit crime but you don’t call it White on White crime. GIVE IT UP!! Secondly, if the media insist on outing the victims previous wrongdoings and telling us about how fearful the officers are, let’s see both sides of the coin. Where are the real news stories and documentaries on the police? Like, REALLY REAL?

I know they mistreat all ethnicities but I’m saying it happens to us a lot more often. The KKK and many other White supremacist groups are free to go about their business TODAY in 2016 and that’s ok. The people who lynched, tortured and murdered us are still in full operation AND police officers and that’s ok. It’s not illegal to be a police officer and a part of a White supremacist group, in Amerikkka that’s ok.

A police officer is suing his department after being sacked for being in the KKK because, and I quote “Being affiliated with a hate group does not make him a racist and does not affect his police work.”, but I mean, of course that’s ok!

Obviously we believe him – because he’s a cop and they never lie and are there to protect us. We feel the extra love he brings to the job, knowing we’re n****s who don’t deserve to be alive and breathing the same air as him. WE FEEL IT TRUST ME!!

No, we have no reason to be scared and we have every reason to trust and respect him and the many others like him. We just love to fling that old race card up at any given opportunity because we forget what a happy existence we’ve had and continue to have. We forget all the love that’s been shown to us already – we sorry. It’s not at all absurd that he should be allowed to be an officer let alone have the audacity to be so affronted at being sacked from his position (NOT as an officer) that he FILES A CASE. THAT’S OKKK!!

No need for a documentary on that, that’s a minor. Touchy Black folk! What are we worried about!? Now let’s just say a member of ISIS was found to be a police officer. How quickly would that hit the headlines? How many fucking documentaries do you think we’d see on that?

Would they be willing to believe he could do his job without prejudice? Would he still be allowed to wear the uniform and sue for unfair dismissal? Would you still feel comfortable with him having power and carrying a deadly weapon? Would you feel safe in his presence and trust and respect him or would you be watching him with side eye?

Wouldn’t you be appalled and demand that the force be thoroughly checked to eliminate any others and make sure no more could ever join up??? You may see this as a far comparison to make but it’s not for us. The KKK are the biggest bunch of terrorists in operation in Amerikkka but because they’re White it’s alright. Hear me when I say Black Amerikkkans have been on high alert from day one! #JustSaying

WHERE ARE THE REAL NEWS STORIES? If you’re gonna tell one side without bias you should be doing the same to the other side, but you won’t. You won’t because the same racism runs deep in the media too and there’s an unwritten law that it’s forever open season on Black people and if you’re born White you’re entitled to a hunting license for free!

R.I.P Nice 84 and all those who have lost their lives this week

DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE!, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife

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R.I.P’d Off (Part 1)

This was written before this mornings news of the police officers in Dallas getting shot and killed. As you’ll see, I can’t say I didn’t see this coming! It’s funny how quickly this has been broadcast by the media though. How long did we have to wait for them to air about Alton Sterling? It took the murder of Philando Castile before they thought they’d better say something. KMT!

I already had the topic of this weeks blog in mind but it’ll keep! I wasn’t about to bypass the most recent, all too common, murders of my people at the hands of those who are suppose to protect and serve. Protect and serve who you may well ask. If you refer back to my post Forget You you’ll understand the answer to that question.

Some people believe that there’s no such thing as White privilege and Black people find an excuse to bitch and throw the race card at every opportunity. The majority of these people are white, although you do get the odd few Black people (i.e Stacy Dash) who are right up there alongside them dispelling it as some kind of myth. They don’t see it because they can live their everyday lives in relative peace. They have no fear of going anywhere or doing anything. They don’t understand that THAT is the privilege we’re talking about – the right to go about your everyday business without the fear of losing your life.

They don’t get it as it’s never going to happen to them because their majority rule so life’s good! They’ll tell you the police do a great job at keeping ‘us’ safe and how dangerous it is out there for them. I’ve watched numerous videos of white people straight up fighting the police and openly brandishing firearms in broad daylight and yet they somehow manage to defuse these situations without killing anybody.

I admit they did shoot one man but hey, what do you know, it was in his leg and he lived to see another day. Why is it they can only shoot to kill when it’s a Black man? You see they can protect and serve, and they do protect and serve…..you just have to be the right shade for it to work.

Even if you comply, as in the case of Philando Castile, you’re still in the wrong for doing what was asked. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Just for good measure they’ll try to dig up some dirt on your past to discredit you and make you appear as a thug or troublemaker, like Alton Sterling. And the relevance is? None!!

It’s all about putting the right shine on their misdoings. An attempt to tarnish their names and make it appear that they’d actually done us a favour because they were no good anyway. Who do they think they are trying to kid? The most sickening part of all this is the fact that it’s highly unlikely that the overseers will be punished. They’ll find a way to justify their actions as they have in numerous other cases and their trigger happy asses will be back on the streets or nicely paid off before you can say Michael Brown or Tamir Rice. #BlackLivesMatter

Unbelievably there are going to be the few that try to justify the actions of the murders of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile and I’d really like to know how. How can a man with his hands in the air be a threat when you’d asked him to show you ID? Was he suppose to use teleportation? How can a man flat on his back on the floor, being held down by two officers get shot at point blank range six times? You can clearly hear the officer yelling at him to “Get on the ground!” AFTER he’d already had him pinned down and already fired the first three shots. No sir, I believe you meant get IN the ground, because my man was already on it and you killed him. #RealTalk.

Have you actually seen the footage?, because I forced myself to watch both clips a couple of times just to make sure I didn’t miss anything. That’s the beauty of the 21st century – they can’t hide as easily anymore. We can witness their wicked deeds in living colour, for all the good it does us. It’s still not enough to award us justice. How many more clips of the same nature will it take before we find a resolution or cause a revolution?

Like a lot of people out there I’m awash with a range of emotions right now – I feel disgusted, saddened, upset, incensed, frustrated and most predominantly angry!! In fact angry is an understatement. Yeh, yeh it’s not all police officers who react this way but there are way too many for it to keep being ignored, and the ‘good’ ones ain’t doing jack to shop them or stop them. They cover their backs and know the problem will go away.

Personally I’m at a point now where enough’s enough – I’m R.I.P’d off beyond belief and you’d better believe I’m not alone. We’ve had our fill….our cup runneth over! REAL FUCKING TALK!! For centuries there has been no let up for us and hear me when I say there will be dark days ahead. There’s only so much peace we can keep. There’s only so many songs we can sing, chants and marches we can make before fire is fought with fire and quite frankly I’m ready to fight to survive.

I can hear the backlash already about advocating violence but I really don’t see it as that. I’m advocating a fair life and putting a stop to this fuckery by any means necessary because WE’VE BEEN COMPLIANT FOR CENTURIES AND YOU ARE STILL KILLING US ON THE DAILY!! It’s about self preservation because these cunts are intent on wiping us out – BELIEVE THAT!! THE WRITING IS CLEARLY ON THE WALL!!👀

Show me an option Black people haven’t already tried to find a solution? It’s a non starter because we have no power. The system is corrupt and rotten from the core – from root to tip. There is truly nothing more left for us to do. WE CAN’T BREATHE without being put down and we will never be allowed to breathe freely until the White people in charge say we can – and they aren’t willing to share their privilege with us.

We may not have the power to fix it but we have the power to fight it. And no doubt that’ll just go to prove to the masses that we are the animals they said we were all along, but remember this: like most animals if you treat them right they’ll love you and leave you alone but if you keep poking them eventually they’ll bite back.

Watch the ride people – it’s gonna be bumpy!

R.I.P Alton Sterling

R.I.P Philando Castile

R.I.P the Baghdad 281

Fight The Power, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife

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Sticks And Stones (Part 1)

⚠️WARNING!!: If you’ve read my blogs before you’ll be aware I like the odd smattering of expletives here and there. I could apologise but I won’t. It’s MY real talk and how I express myself, obviously not all the time – there is a time and a place.

HERE IS MY TIME AND MY PLACE!

I’m just giving you a heads up: There’s a couple of strong ones today!!

Stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. I’ve heard it being said and even muttered the saying myself as a kid, but the truth of the matter is I was only lying to myself. It’s a crock of do-do! No, they can’t break bones but they can cause pain – they can make your heart ache – and there’s nothing wrong with admitting that they hurt you.

I had my fair share of petty drama as a teen but as an adult I avoid it like the plague! “Ain’t nobody got time for that!!” I’m not saying I’m friends with everybody. There are a few people I really don’t like but it ain’t a thang! I see you, but I don’t see you, and life goes on. They quite literally mean nothing to me and I understand the value of time so it will not be wasted on “nothing”.

The majority of the time I’m an easy going person, I live and let live. I know my worth, I don’t allow people to cross many lines and I know how to lock people off, but sometimes it’s not that easy. Sometimes a situation arises where as much as you try to be the better person you can’t escape a little drama whilst dealing with it because you’re faced with a special breed of people. I like to call them CUNTS.

Harsh words are never welcome but at times need to be spoken. Every once in a while certain people need to be put in check and told a few home truths. #JustSaying.

Thankfully I don’t have to do it often but when I do, for me, the reason they’re receiving the tongue lashing is a build up of so much bullshit either being said or done I can no longer bear the stench.

I’m aware that those words hurt the person on the receiving end (or possibly not as it’s debatable whether they actually have feelings) but, in my eyes, that pain can be classified as being self inflicted on account of being a cunt. #YouBroughtItOnYourself

Cunts have the ability to throw you off balance. The most grounded person can be rocked by another persons cuntish behaviour. They come in both sexes, all colours, creeds, shapes and sizes but share many nasty characteristics and qualities.

Their cuntishness knows no bounds and can range from small time cunt – like the ones who now feel it necessary to shout abuse and tell every person of colour in England to go home, or major cunts like the government and the most recent terrorists in Turkey.

They have the knack of pushing the right buttons to really upset you and make you wanna fuck up a bitch! As cool, calm and collected as we may appear to be, we’re only human, we do have feelings and cunts can inflict pain with words like no other.

My pain was caused by words that come straight out of left field and knock you for six. It kinda stops you in your tracks for a hot minute as your head and heart register what was said. It’s said just in the right tone or just at the right time to inflict the most damage. It’s bad enough if it’s from a random stranger but when it comes from a supposed “loved one” it cuts all the more deeper.

Unfortunately for me I’m dealing with the latter type at the moment, with words and actions combined they are the hardest to ignore and forgive. Unfortunately for them their words are not enough to break me but inspired me to write a few of my own, the pain they caused has subsided substantially and their actions I am dealing with as best I can. A little down but never out – believe that!! These cunts picked the wrong bitch to mess with.

I believe you shouldn’t hold things in that upset you. Negative energy’s not the one. Better out than in and all that jazz. Release that shit and keep on moving! I also believe you shouldn’t allow anybody to try to bring you down or disrespect you no matter who they are to you, especially if, like me, you know your worth.

I try to stay as positive as I possibly can be but as I’ve said time and again I’m a realist and I know it’s not possible all the time.

I’m not a big fan of airing all of my business and I’ve never felt the need to name and shame, but under special circumstances (and for especially cunty cunts), I’m willing to make an exception to my rule. The only reason it hasn’t been done already is because I have no option but to bide my time for now. There’s been a mild breeze in the air but hear me when I say Hurricane Dawn is brewing!!🌪

Watch what you say people. No matter what the old adage says WORDS HURT!! I’m very careful with mine. It’s a shame others are not the same because once they’ve been said they cannot be taken back, but they can be remembered for a long time. Some will soon be reminded of their words. #Cunts

R.I.P to those who have lost their lives this week

Think Before You Speak, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife

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