Friend Or Foe, Let Them Go! (Part 2)

You may want to grab a beverage and a comfy seat. This is long. In every sense of the word!

I gave a warning in Reality Check 1, Cheque 2, Check Me! (Part 3) that I would not be allowing anyone to disturb my newfound level of peace, and in doing so I’ve recently had to lock off a friend. After a few back and forth messages I put a halt to it, and I meant it, but I would like to break some things down because as much as I tried to prevent it, some of their energy seeped through, so I’m releasing it here so that they, and anyone else who wants to move to me in the same manor can comprehend and maybe learn from it.

I don’t do riddles, I do real talk. If you have something to say to me, or I have upset you in some way, for the love of what’s good, TALK DA TING! I won’t be held responsible for making you feel a way about a matter I have no knowledge of.

In this particular case, I’d only recently started speaking to this person again after I was informed that I had let them down, I hadn’t told them about stuff I had been doing, I wasn’t a good friend and they wanted nothing more to do with me.

At the time I was going through a family bereavement and had forgotten to message them back. I did so a week later to get the response I got. I was happy to leave it because honestly, I had enough going on, and if they couldn’t take the time out to even ask me what was occurring in my life it was all good.

Roll on some months later and they kept popping into my head so I decided to hold out the olive branch and contact them. Despite our not talking they had been a good friend on and off and helped me out personally – and they were only on strike 2! They accepted the gesture and we discussed the events that led up to us not talking and aired out our grievances. 

We were good. Or so I thought.

I’ve put a new Instagram page up to showcase the blogs and impending podcasts, but before I did so I previewed the look to a handful of family and friends via WhatsApp – them included, as I’d been pulled up on not doing so before. They gave it a ‘heart’ and then proceeded to ask me why I hadn’t mentioned their business in my post…

Huh?…

I was confused, so asked them to elaborate. By all accounts I’d put up a post about something I’d bought and because I’d bought similar from them they wanted to know why I hadn’t included them in it.

The post they were speaking about I had posted nearly 3 weeks previously, and it was because I had purchased the items that same day that I decided to post about it. I told them this and said that I would hail their business up when I set my new page up. They then went on to say that it was from a viewpoint of them making me things and having a shop and it sounds impersonal to just shout out the business.

Now, If I had purchased something from them recently I could understand them mentioning it, but the fact is the last time I bought anything from them was about 7 years ago. They haven’t advertised their shop that I’m aware of, and if they did and asked me to share it I would without a doubt. The reason I bought these particular items in the first place was a post popped up and grabbed my attention.

Lesson 1: What you sow you reap. This works on many a level. They weren’t exactly in the forefront of my mind, but I’m presuming this person thought they should be and possibly could have been if they’d put a little effort in themselves.

I went on to remind them that I have given them their flowers recently and on several occasions previously and would once again do so when I set up the page.

Lesson 2: It’s always good to talk but it’s also good to know when to stop. This should have been a 2 paragraph tale at best, and one which should have contained the words, ‘Wow! That looks great Dawn. Well done. I’m really happy for you!’…or similar words to that effect.

Not a dicky bird! Instead they decided to continue further by saying they just felt they had to say something, which in turn made me want to say something and ask them if they’re actually ok? If I hadn’t been in contact when exactly were they going to tell me they were feeling some type of way and this shit was burning their chest? Furthermore, how often do they share my blogs? But I don’t watch that and do me and still manage to celebrate them, so where is the energy coming from? And believe me, I felt it coming.

I kid you not, it was like grey clouds coming to block my good, good sunshine. I could feel them creeping in. They responded back.

Lesson 3: Watch what you say and how you say it. Yes, things can be misconstrued via text message, but even still, sometimes shade is just fucking shade. 

This person may not have thought they were being shady and to be fair, it’s my fault in part. They’re a straight talker, but every now and then over the years they have slid in little comments that to the untrained ear sound like nothing but jest, but to me smell like something else. I never paid them no mind as I’m secure enough to brush it off, and tbh I think it’s so ingrained in them they don’t even realise they’re doing it.

Within the last paragraph I was told that they didn’t need to constantly big me up as they are not a fan they’re my friend, and they’re sad I think it’s about giving them flowers. They then informed me that they were done with this and they were sure we both had better things to do…

Again I was confused. That’s when I felt the tingle. Combined with the smell I knew that I was having an allergic reaction. BFD* was about! I text back a couple of hearts and left it at that with them, but our conversation inspired me to write a Facebook post.

I now ask you to remember Lesson 2 because some people really don’t know when enough is enough. Y’all wouldn’t even be hearing about this had folk just quit whilst they were ahead, but after seeing the Facebook post a few days later they decided they weren’t quite done yet and sent me a wonderful message full of love and praise and reminiscing on times of old with ‘all of the scrabbling, falling out and pissing each other off…’

I think I know what they were attempting to do but it in fact had the opposite effect. Firstly, it was literally days late and a dollar short. They should have come with that energy from the get go, not after being prompted by a social media post. Secondly, pointing out all of the scrabbling, falling out and pissing each other off only went to highlight that 99.9999999% of the time it was caused by some kind of issue they held with me, and me allowing it. 

I don’t know about you but I like to listen to my gut instinct. It hasn’t served me wrong so far, and I swear mine has been fine tuned since my time away. Every fibre of my being was saying allow this one – but properly! I listened. I didn’t respond back. 

A week later I got a message asking what’s going on with me as there was obviously something up.

As much as I want to keep my peace I thought it only fair to give some kind of closure, so messaged a short text back stating that there was a lot going on but it was too long to break down. I asked them to re-read our messages then read Reality Check…3 and go with love because I don’t have the energy for their energy.

LESSON 2 Y’ALL. LESSON👏🏾TWO!👏🏾

Instead of thinking let me stop now they felt the need to go again. I didn’t respond but things they said triggered me; which is why I’m here typing this long ass blog!😂

They said I have some disingenuous people around me, but they can assure me they have never been one of them. 

At this point I’m wondering if they know what the word actually means?

They didn’t mention any particular people, but if you’re gonna throw out big, bold statements like that amongst my friends you put yourself in the spotlight and up for appraisal too. You can talk on and feel any which way you want to about me, but let me tell you about my true people – and I’m going to use Christina Brooks-Abraham as the perfect example.

She was sincerely one of the realest people you could hope to meet. She not only knew her shit stunk but she’d give you a blow by blow account of the texture if you wanted it.😂 

She held no airs and graces and welcomed you with love and a smile. I know there were some who didn’t like her – we’d spoken about it, and it’s natural that not everybody is going to like you, regardless of how nice you are, and she in turn didn’t warm to a few, but not many. I also know that if some had tried to talk to her about whatever their issue with her was, instead of holding it in and letting it fester, she would have gladly listened to them and more than likely resolve it. No one is perfect and I’m not saying she was, but damn her heart was huge, understanding and forgiving.

In all our years of friendship I never had anything but love shown and words of advice and wisdom from her and her family. No scrabbling, falling out and pissing each other off – not once. She supported me in ALL of my endeavours and heartaches, and not just me but my family too. She was a part of the Mistletoe And Wine family and was there to support my husbands promotions in whichever way she could.

She loved our love and was honestly like a big sister. It was she who insisted and persisted in telling me about the power of forgiveness and speaking my truth, and if it wasn’t for her and her daughter Tanya, I wouldn’t have started writing when I did. Going through the blogs not many people took the time out to leave a comment, but she was the most consistent and I will treasure each one.

That is the type of people, energy and vibe I want to be surrounded by.

I may go by the name NuDawn but it’s not a persona. I’m not a celebrity – I’m just me. I don’t believe I’m something extra special. I have never claimed any of my friends or acquaintances to be ‘fans’. If I’m liked it’s probably because of Lesson 1. I put out love and receive it.

At no point has Tina or ANY of my genuine friends stepped to me with the energy that this person has, well, not since 2018 anyway, and I nipped that ish in the bud. 

So imma put it to you guys – who sounds more disingenuous to you?

The friend in question also stated that they were not going to read my blogs and would wait for me to address them as that’s the respectful grown up thing to do. About that…

I told y’all I’m still doing the work with forgiveness but that’s not all I’m working on. I can’t stress enough the importance of self love and preservation, and part of that is knowing when to be adult enough to not bite and draw that type of energy in. I’m about respecting myself and if that doesn’t work for you or you want to label me as whatever I truthfully have zero fucks to give.

So with that in mind I’m restricting my boundaries even further – much to the delight of my husband I’m sure – the 3 Strikes rule is now completely null and void and the By Any Means Necessary Protocol is in FULL effect!

Phhhhewww!!! Now admit it, you feel a piece drained just reading that right? Y’all had to top up that drink and draw for the ‘erbs and sage init!? If you felt it through the blog can you imagine taking it on!?!?

With all of that said you’d think I hate them but I don’t and I hope it hasn’t come across that way, but I can’t be around them and they’re gonna have a long old wait for me to present myself to them. Personally I believe that they’d do well to read my blogs but to each their own. They are super talented and have the power and ability to be great but they’re blocking themselves with that energy.

Lesson 4: Some people are just too inna. Inna drama, inna their feelings and inna other peoples business when really and truly the only inna they need to be focusing on is their inner self.

R.I.P Josie Heywood, Harry Belafonte and all those who have lost their lives recently.

Happy 21st Earthday/Birthday to my last born Princess Sadé. The world is yours – own it!

*BFD – Bullshit, Fuckery & Drama! Refer to Part 1 for further context. (Link)

Know Your Boundaries, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife

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Love Is A Losing Game

My firstborn asked me if there was anything I’ve got to tell her after my declaration of love at the end of last week’s post. I’m guessing once bitten twice shy and all that, but I reassured her that to the best of my knowledge I’m good, and explained my reasoning, so I’m going to fill you in too.

I previously said that I went away to an ultimately life changing retreat at the end of January, what I didn’t tell you was that on the same day I returned home, within not 10 minutes of me stepping through the front door, a very good friend of mine, Christina Brooks-Abraham, aka Queen Mama T and a plethora of other titles, suddenly passed away.

She hadn’t been well recently and had set up a WhatsApp group so that the many people who were interested in her welfare and checking in could all be in the one space, and I’d sent a message a couple of hours earlier bidding her and the others good morning, excited to tell her about what I’d experienced when I got home. We had many conversations over the decades, and throughout the cancer and family drama I went through she was the most persistent in telling me about forgiveness and its importance.

I understood the concept but couldn’t quite grasp it, until I did!, and she was the first person I wanted to tell.

She never got that message, and I’m not going to go into details of her passing just yet as there is an impending podcast with her daughters that will cover the events, but to say despite her being ill it was totally unexpected is to say the least. You can be focused looking one way and then life will throw a curveball and lick you in the head.

The following week after Tina passed I lost another friend, and then 2 weeks ago another Queen. We’d been friends for many years, and she too had given me sound advice throughout the crazy that was my life, but we hadn’t been talking recently. She had been ill for a couple of years and I know she was having a hard time with the effects of her illness and treatment, enough for it to dim her light and make her want to isolate, and I understood that. Our disagreement was trivial by any standard and I believe exacerbated by outside ‘people’. I was hoping that given time we would work it out but that wasn’t to be the case.

I admit that for a moment I questioned myself as to should I attend her funeral. I’m not sure what she’d told people and didn’t want to have them questioning why I was there. But the thing is, even though we weren’t speaking that didn’t effect the love I had for her. I still lit my candle and sent it her way regardless. I can’t deny that our disagreement hurt and upset me, but in no way near enough to not care. 

So I’ve decided that I will attend, even if it’s just the church service. I have faith that she’ll know it’s down to the love and not just to be ‘inna’* and I’d like to pay my respects.

I’m not religious. I can’t deal with all the isms, skisms and nonces that come attached. I’ve always been a more spiritual being, even from my younger days. Despite “fitting in” to a certain degree I’ve always been a piece dry!😂 – well, to those who are bothered by the superficial at least. That sense of being a free spirit has been present for as long as I can remember. I just do my thing and live and let live, unless it’s something dastardly, but in general I’m happy to sip water and mind my business…preferably coconut and in the sunshine with some tunes and a few choice ‘erbs**, but I digress.

Personally I find religion divisive and critical, BUT I understand people wanting to have faith in something, so attempt not to judge others beliefs. If it helps you make it through the day and you’re not hurting anyone or yourself, do you boo! It’s what I’ve had to lean on. Faith that the higher power knows what the fuck she’s doing.

When mum passed away I knew that I had attempted to and done the best for her within my capacity, but I wondered if she knew it. Dementia’s a bitch. She had her lucid moments but they were very few and far between. Words my siblings said rang in my head. She didn’t want to be put in a home. She had assumed that her children would do for her what she had done for them for so many years. That could well have been the case, but she assumed love would be worth more than money, bricks and mortar, and as they say, to assume makes an ass of you and me.

So I did what had to be done to ensure she was the most safe and secure. I couldn’t give her her home but I could give her my love, time and attention. I could make new memories, even if they only lasted the day or a few hours.

I’ve always had faith, but not of the religious kind. I believe that love will see me through. Have no doubt, I’ve seriously questioned the hell out of certain circumstances, but could always rely on it in some way, be that of thyself or through others.

I got the answers I needed at the retreat, and with that a better understanding of death, and the loss I felt is nowhere near where it was – to the point of me being able to not bawl at How Great Thou Art and you can safely play Rise Up by Andra Day without having to offer me a tissue. I still get sad but they’re happier tears if that makes any sense, and I am fully aware that’s it’s ok to cry, whatever kinda tears they may be. It’s invariably better out than in.

The truth is if faith and fate hadn’t put me where I was I don’t know how I’d have handled all the losses of late on top of everything else, especially the complete randomness of a couple, and that is the realist of real talks! I’ve always believed that your spirit moves on from the vessel – the transition – and I think I’ve had confirmation. In fact I’m pretty certain. I know some of you will be wondering what planet I’m on but I legit don’t give a shit! It’s allowed me to deal and heal so with all due respect y’all can feel any which way you want!

My deepest, sincerest condolences and sympathies going out to all of the bereaved. Sending love, light and healing vibes your way, and to all those who have lost their lives this week.

Shouting out the WhatsApp Wellbeing Group, with a special mention for Khadijah and Serenity.

It’s a joy to watch you both grow.

*The Black populous will understand what I mean, and for those who don’t understand just know you don’t wanna be it!

**I feel like I may have said this before somewhere along the line…🤔…if you read it again in a previous blog you’ll know I’m being truly sincere!😂

Eid Mubarak to all those who are celebrating today.

You’ve Gotta Have Faith, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife

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Reality Check 1, Cheque 2, Check Me! (Part 3)

“Only love can set you free

Love will be everything you need

A little faith, charity

If you just believe

Open up, let it in

It will change everything, really

Love is life, love is free

If you only just believe.”

Kelly Price ~ Love Sets You Free

Well dang!, it’s been a while! How you doing? I’d like to think you’re all ok, but I know for a fact that 2023 came in firing shots left, right and centre and nuff people caught them strays.

I’d love to say I managed to avoid being hit but that’s not the case. January was one hell of a month with twists and turns I’d never imagined – like, NEVER! I’ll get around to sharing some of those later, but firstly let me give you a lil’ overview.

I decided to write the Reality Check… blogs to cover three aspects of my life – Health, Wealth and Happiness. Supposedly the most important 3 things you need in life, which I agree with, but not necessarily in that order. I believe if you’re happy you’ll have an easier time with the other two (that’s just my philosophy!), but nevertheless I put them in that order. I made a start with parts 1 and 2, but didn’t feel ready for part 3.

I attempted on several occasions but could never get past a few paragraphs. I’d made actual steps to work on the health and wealth side (updates pending!), but the happiness part needed work! If you’ve read any of the Disclaimers, Tales Of The Dales or Family Matters you’d know this as I made my feelings and emotions crystal clear to say the least!😅

One of the main reasons I wanted to write my blogs was to tell my side of a sad, mad tale of fuckery and heartache that had been and continued to be in my life for the past few years.

It’s crazy the way the world works! I thought after mum had passed that I was ok-ish, well, ok-ish in the sense that I no longer had to be around certain members of my family and I knew that mum was at peace so it was fine. Huh! Little did I know the truth was on her way to slap me in the face and claw at my heart.

Mum passed away on the 3rd January 2020, and despite knowing she’s at peace whenever the anniversary rolled around I still couldn’t help but feel emotional and miss her. The week after the anniversary I attended a funeral of an old family friend of my mums. You need to consider my emotions were already high, and now I’m sat in a church listening to all of the hymns she loved and feeling the grieving family’s loss too. 

I fully expected my brother to be there, so wasn’t surprised to see him. What I didn’t expect was for him to give a speech. It wasn’t in the order of service so I was totally blindsided. He and another lady were front and centre so I had no option but to look at him. I felt my heartbeat quicken and my ears getting warm and muffled. The first sign. A few folk know there is no love lost between us, and as I’ve mentioned I have spoken about it openly, so I knew a few eyes would be on me. Then as luck would have it a mobile rang out and everyone looked to see whose it was. Unfortunately it was the woman’s sat next to me, so if folk didn’t know I was sat there feeling uncomfortable as fuck they soon got to know.

I was with my husband but he’d had to pop out to move the car before he got a ticket, so the spotlight was fully on me and I was without my force field. Then it was my brothers turn to speak and as I listened to a particular story he regaled I felt like I was being battered emotionally. My chest hurt. My head hurt. My throat was closing and the hottest silent tears were streaming down my face. When I tell you I had to hold my shit together you honestly don’t know! My body was doing that shaky business when you try to hold the sobs in, and then I felt a hand on my shoulder from my friend Maureen sat on the pew behind me, and another old family friend, Geraldine, gave my knee a squeeze and sympathetic eyes over her face mask. Much appreciated Queens.

There were too many emotions in the mix, but the most predominant one was rage. Sign two. His ending line almost took me out. I realised I had been holding my breath. I wanted to scream and shout and get up there and rip his throat out, but naturally was aware of where I was so tried to focus on breathing and remaining sane. And then he was done and moseyed on back to his seat whilst I was left a teary mess.

After the service I had numerous people approach me and tell me how moved they were by my brothers heartfelt speech but I couldn’t manage to agree. As much as I didn’t want to cause a scene, there’s no way I could stand there and pretend I’d enjoyed it. I kept it civil but known that that was very much their opinion, but having been a part of the tale he’d told I had a slightly different outlook.

When I got home and reflected on things I understood that I’d only been fooling my damn self into thinking I was over the hold they had on me. I’d managed to disguise it because they were out of sight out of mind, but the higher power was CLEARLY telling me you gon’ learn today bitch!😂

I got the message that day, which is the only way you can truly deal with your issues is to deal with them head on. When you can face it and it doesn’t phase you only then can you claim to be good with it. With all of the above and other little signs I knew á la Kevin Hart – she wasn’t ready!! Fortunately for me I’m grounded enough to know what my issues are and I knew I had to find a way to handle it.

Even more fortunately for me, the week before I had accepted an offer to go away to a retreat for a few days at the end of the month, which turned out to be the beginning and the end. Beginning of the true NuDawn and an end to the ties. I’ve always been about the love, and love truly is key, but there was a big piece of me that had a VERY hard time with forgiveness, especially for my siblings and the years of bullshit.

I have finally found peace and it has been a long time coming. I’ve said time and again that I try to protect and preserve it but this!…this time is different. Hear me when I say:

NO ONE WILL BE ALLOWED TO DISTURB MY PEACE!

NO👏🏾ONE👏🏾

Love really did set me free and I will be deflecting all negative and/or toxic energy by using an any means necessary protocol. I’m not having it. End of. If you don’t hear me you will most definitely feel me.

I can honestly say I’m good now, but that road was far from fucking easy! I’ve re-read some of the old blogs and could clearly remember the thoughts and feelings, yet luckily for those involved they carry no weight now. I say luckily for them because the tea that was going to be spilled woulda had the devil begging to cool it down! When I say I’m the keeper of receipts MARK MY WORDS! That energy has gone* and been replaced, but it was a part of me, and I’m not about to deny it or shy away from it. You’ve got to know where you’re coming from to know where you’re going to.

I’ll be wrapping up Tales Of The Dales with a couple more chapters, but before I do I’m going to re-share the blogs containing the events that would be the pathway to eventually lead me to being the most at peace I’ve ever experienced in my Earthly existence to date. It turns out the signs were there, and although they had been acknowledged I didn’t have a scooby about their capacity! 

With all of the above being said, I feel the need to write this now more than ever, in black and white so there can be no doubt. To all of my loved ones – friends and family alike – and anyone who has shown me love or bettered my life in any way, shape or form, I love you all and feel blessed to have received it and given it in return. Should I pass away tomorrow know that I managed to overcome all of the madness and sadness I’ve written about over the years and I am truly happy. The missing piece of my puzzle is complete. I’m genuinely all good and thankh you all WHOLEheartedly.

There will be an accompanying podcast to go over each blog because tbh, as much as I like writing it’d be way too much to type!

R.I.P Christina Brooks-Abraham, Paul Muhammad, Maureen De Silva, Tara Bailey and all those who have lost their lives recently.

Thee most amount of love and thankhs going out to Josh, Leon, Empress Naïma and the whole Daily Deposits Tribe! Y’all don’t even know!🖤💚

*Mostly! I’m still doing the work and saying the mantras so don’t test the waters just yet. They may still be a lil’ choppy!

Only Love Can Set You Free, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife

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