Thankh You Mama (Part 2)

“What’s worse, lookin’ jealous or crazy? Jealous or crazy? Or like, being walked all over lately, walked all over lately. I’d rather be crazy.”…

Beyoncé ~ Hold Up

Two weeks ago my mum unexpectedly passed away. As you can imagine it hasn’t been an easy time. Despite her being in her twilight years and having dementia and knowing it’s inevitable, I wasn’t ready. There was no prep time. No warning. No final goodbye.

It was nothing we hadn’t been through before. She had been admitted to hospital with a chest infection and would be fine once the antibiotics had kicked in. I’d been there for hours and it was late and I was told to go home. She’d be fine and discharged back to the home in the morning. I wrapped her blanket around her, kissed her and told her I loved her and I’ll see her tomorrow.

I did see her, but not how I expected. I got a call just after 5am telling me she wasn’t looking good and to come now. I was confused. “What do you mean, not looking good? You said she’d be fine? You told me to go home!”
The nurse told me it was a suspected heart attack, so naturally I threw some clothes on, made the necessary calls and rolled out.

I was the first to arrive, and I knew as soon as I was asked to come and sit in the relatives room instead of by her bedside what the deal was; but I still needed to hear it. I had been alright up until that point. As soon as she said she’d gone I was a mess. It was only a matter of minutes before I was joined by my twin and as soon as he saw me he knew.

With my hand on my heart I can say we did all we could to make sure she was loved and taken care of. Since she went into the home the longest my twin and I had not seen her for was a week – the week of our cousins funeral which we both attended in Antigua. Before I left I made sure I’d asked people to visit. Regardless of whether she could hold a running conversation or not, it’s always nice to see a different face and you don’t know what seeing it may trigger.

For some it’s just a waste of time. For me it was quality time. I have been accused of being to blame for mum being in a home. It’s all true. I fully accept my part in it. But when the Carry-Go-Bring-Comers get the scoop they forget to ask about the finer details. The multiple questions and reasons as to why. It’s all good. I have the answers as you’ll discover soon enough. In the meantime here’s two you can ask them.
How often did they see mum in the past year and how often did they take her out?
It’s ok. I’ll wait…

To those who have been vocal and for those who are whispering behind closed doors, I’ll set you straight. There will never be any chance of reconciliation with my siblings within my lifetime and possibly the next. I’m pretty sure it works both ways too. Apparently I’m an interfering, druggie, family wrecker with daddy issues who needs help, and I’m to keep on ranting on Facebook like the crazy Black woman I am!

Ok. If I must!

Call me what you want and say what you will. I would rather be me than anything like what others perceive themselves to be. I admit I’m not always a lady and I am not, nor have I ever claimed to be, holier than thou – I’m as far from religious as you can be, but I’ve respected my mum all of my life and I’m not about to stop now as we lay her to rest.

If ‘people’ are looking for fireworks or some kind of show at her burial you’ll be disappointed so please don’t come unless it’s about showing your respect. Many didn’t when she was alive, and it’s actually ironic how some are more fussed about her dead body and what happens to it than when she was living.

Gotta make sure she has a good send off!

I think it was more important to give her the best life rather than a good send off. Some will see me as being awkward or stubborn or just plain outta order, and that is your right, but I am not in the habit of playing happy families to make other ‘people’ feel comfortable. I have no desire to ‘pull together’ now. Why? Because it’s the right thing to do? For who exactly? Her spirit has left. That’s what needed lifting when she was here. Fuck who wants to lift her coffin now she’s gone.

But that’s just me, and emotions are high, but as I was told I have to live with my guilt and my conscience. And I’m doing just fine on those levels! I can’t say I’m the best with the rest but I’m sure I’ll be fine in time. It just hurts like a bitch.

For now I’m going to try and deal with the flow of toxicity that has returned in my life, and do what has to be done and move on. It’s a struggle but one thing I know for sure is I am definitely Dolly Merchant’s daughter when it comes to my mouth, so I will continue ranting like the crazy Black woman I am for you, mum.

Whilst others may remain wrong and strong, so I shall remain right, tight and shedding light…when the time is right!

Thankh you Mama for the 9 months you carried me through and for being you. You’re finally at peace now and out of your dementia state. I hope you’re having a blast up there.

R.I.E.P Mumzy🖤

R.I.P to all those who have lost their lives recently.