Love Is A Losing Game

My firstborn asked me if there was anything I’ve got to tell her after my declaration of love at the end of last week’s post. I’m guessing once bitten twice shy and all that, but I reassured her that to the best of my knowledge I’m good, and explained my reasoning, so I’m going to fill you in too.

I previously said that I went away to an ultimately life changing retreat at the end of January, what I didn’t tell you was that on the same day I returned home, within not 10 minutes of me stepping through the front door, a very good friend of mine, Christina Brooks-Abraham, aka Queen Mama T and a plethora of other titles, suddenly passed away.

She hadn’t been well recently and had set up a WhatsApp group so that the many people who were interested in her welfare and checking in could all be in the one space, and I’d sent a message a couple of hours earlier bidding her and the others good morning, excited to tell her about what I’d experienced when I got home. We had many conversations over the decades, and throughout the cancer and family drama I went through she was the most persistent in telling me about forgiveness and its importance.

I understood the concept but couldn’t quite grasp it, until I did!, and she was the first person I wanted to tell.

She never got that message, and I’m not going to go into details of her passing just yet as there is an impending podcast with her daughters that will cover the events, but to say despite her being ill it was totally unexpected is to say the least. You can be focused looking one way and then life will throw a curveball and lick you in the head.

The following week after Tina passed I lost another friend, and then 2 weeks ago another Queen. We’d been friends for many years, and she too had given me sound advice throughout the crazy that was my life, but we hadn’t been talking recently. She had been ill for a couple of years and I know she was having a hard time with the effects of her illness and treatment, enough for it to dim her light and make her want to isolate, and I understood that. Our disagreement was trivial by any standard and I believe exacerbated by outside ‘people’. I was hoping that given time we would work it out but that wasn’t to be the case.

I admit that for a moment I questioned myself as to should I attend her funeral. I’m not sure what she’d told people and didn’t want to have them questioning why I was there. But the thing is, even though we weren’t speaking that didn’t effect the love I had for her. I still lit my candle and sent it her way regardless. I can’t deny that our disagreement hurt and upset me, but in no way near enough to not care. 

So I’ve decided that I will attend, even if it’s just the church service. I have faith that she’ll know it’s down to the love and not just to be ‘inna’* and I’d like to pay my respects.

I’m not religious. I can’t deal with all the isms, skisms and nonces that come attached. I’ve always been a more spiritual being, even from my younger days. Despite “fitting in” to a certain degree I’ve always been a piece dry!😂 – well, to those who are bothered by the superficial at least. That sense of being a free spirit has been present for as long as I can remember. I just do my thing and live and let live, unless it’s something dastardly, but in general I’m happy to sip water and mind my business…preferably coconut and in the sunshine with some tunes and a few choice ‘erbs**, but I digress.

Personally I find religion divisive and critical, BUT I understand people wanting to have faith in something, so attempt not to judge others beliefs. If it helps you make it through the day and you’re not hurting anyone or yourself, do you boo! It’s what I’ve had to lean on. Faith that the higher power knows what the fuck she’s doing.

When mum passed away I knew that I had attempted to and done the best for her within my capacity, but I wondered if she knew it. Dementia’s a bitch. She had her lucid moments but they were very few and far between. Words my siblings said rang in my head. She didn’t want to be put in a home. She had assumed that her children would do for her what she had done for them for so many years. That could well have been the case, but she assumed love would be worth more than money, bricks and mortar, and as they say, to assume makes an ass of you and me.

So I did what had to be done to ensure she was the most safe and secure. I couldn’t give her her home but I could give her my love, time and attention. I could make new memories, even if they only lasted the day or a few hours.

I’ve always had faith, but not of the religious kind. I believe that love will see me through. Have no doubt, I’ve seriously questioned the hell out of certain circumstances, but could always rely on it in some way, be that of thyself or through others.

I got the answers I needed at the retreat, and with that a better understanding of death, and the loss I felt is nowhere near where it was – to the point of me being able to not bawl at How Great Thou Art and you can safely play Rise Up by Andra Day without having to offer me a tissue. I still get sad but they’re happier tears if that makes any sense, and I am fully aware that’s it’s ok to cry, whatever kinda tears they may be. It’s invariably better out than in.

The truth is if faith and fate hadn’t put me where I was I don’t know how I’d have handled all the losses of late on top of everything else, especially the complete randomness of a couple, and that is the realist of real talks! I’ve always believed that your spirit moves on from the vessel – the transition – and I think I’ve had confirmation. In fact I’m pretty certain. I know some of you will be wondering what planet I’m on but I legit don’t give a shit! It’s allowed me to deal and heal so with all due respect y’all can feel any which way you want!

My deepest, sincerest condolences and sympathies going out to all of the bereaved. Sending love, light and healing vibes your way, and to all those who have lost their lives this week.

Shouting out the WhatsApp Wellbeing Group, with a special mention for Khadijah and Serenity.

It’s a joy to watch you both grow.

*The Black populous will understand what I mean, and for those who don’t understand just know you don’t wanna be it!

**I feel like I may have said this before somewhere along the line…🤔…if you read it again in a previous blog you’ll know I’m being truly sincere!😂

Eid Mubarak to all those who are celebrating today.

You’ve Gotta Have Faith, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife