Disclaimer (Part 2)

“One touch to your heart without breaking your skin. No one has the power to hurt you like your kin.”

India Arie ~ Get It Together

In my case, never has a truer word been written. I have no doubt that every family has some form of fuckery they have to deal/contend with; in fact I know I’m not alone! But being raised Black there’s an unwritten rule that you don’t talk the business!

That’s how certain members of my family would love it to be. So that they can continue to lie and generally behave in any which way they see fit with no repercussions. In fairness, I told them that their time with me will come, so this should come as no surprise.

The reason I’m writing this is because I’m going to tell you about my life over the past 5 years. It’s been a trip and a half to say the least! A few months after I was diagnosed with Stage 3C bowel cancer my mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia and that’s when the real fun began. I’ve spoken a lot about the cancer side but now it’s time to share the other side.

I’m putting this part of the disclaimer out because, as mentioned in Disclaimer (Part 1), I fully expect people (especially Black people) to voice some kind of opinion. I’d like to clarify a few things, so that I’m not continuously going over my reasons and why I feel the need to do this.

You can think you know a person, but you won’t ever see how they really stay until the shit hits the fan. I’d already seen it with my elder brother. He has a habit of causing shit storms wherever he may roam. I’ve come to the conclusion it’s because he’s a sociopath. I cannot officially confirm it, but he ticks too many of the boxes for it to be completely dismissed. To be honest, the real eye opener was my sister. You’ll find out why in time.

As you may have ascertained by now I’m a big believer in talking. Communication on a whole is important, but the best way for me is to (wherever possible) address issues face to face. I will always try to do so, and give 3 tries before I tap out. After that you can come to me if you so wish and we’ll take it from there!

Because of the nature of the situation and who we were dealing with (our mother), I gave more opportunities than my usual 3 to try to talk. The chance was given, time and again, for us to sit down as a family and work through things. They didn’t want to know, which is fine, but what isn’t is the bullshit that came with it.

Over the years my siblings have been selectively vocal. As in they will tell selective people their version of how our situation came to be. In the few times they’ve had to sit down with me, it was under best interest meeting settings, and the literal finger pointing and accusations against me came thick and fast.

I’ve heard this and that from various people on what they have been told, and would normally laugh it off and let folk think what they want – but this time it’s different. It happened when I was going through my own little whirlwind, and instead of throwing in a rope to help they threw bricks to try and knock me out.

Well the storm is over and I am now clearing the debris and finding peace. But not before I analyse wtf went down. So here we are. Many questions were asked and accusations thrown, in black and white so there’s no debating, and now my head has stopped spinning I’d like to address them.

I could just keep calm and carry on, which I usually have no problem doing, but this is a special case for so many reasons. Love on all levels was tested. Knowingly or unknowingly (though I believe it to be the first), my siblings tried to break me. The saying goes there’s a thin line between love and hate. It’s true. But it’s also true that there can be a thick fucking wedge too!

I shall now reiterate my feelings to be super clear.

You will read things and think, damn; she sounds so bitter/angry/hurt/upset and fucked off to name a few and say the least. You would be right in thinking so. At one time or another over the years I’ve felt all those things and more. I’m not denying it. It happened and I’m 95% over it, but this is a piece of therapy that I need before I can reach the full 100! This is for my mental health as much as anything else. Sitting back and reflecting it’s been a lot!

This is my chance to be vocal. Not just to a selective group but to everyone.

There are at least 2 sides to every story, (more in this case) and this is my chance to put mine across. My siblings didn’t want to hear or see it. In fact they made a point of choosing a ‘dignified silence’ when it came to ‘the likes of me’. I guess it’s easier than having the truth in your face.

Most of the time it’s not a dignified silence people try to maintain. It’s not wanting the reality check! It’s not wanting to have to face the fact you may have been wrong. As my siblings weren’t interested I’ll put it to you all to decide if you believe I had a point.

This isn’t for my benefit but for theirs, as they value the opinion of what the outside world can see. I’m more interested in sharing what you can’t.

I truly don’t care how you feel about what I write. I’m not doing it for sympathy, love or likes. Unlike some I don’t feel the need to put on airs and graces and lie to my peers and myself that I’m a better person than I am. I give the only version of myself 24/7 because I can only be me and I’m happy with that. Might be laughing and smiling, might be a moody bitch – but it’s all me!

To my elder siblings personally, it’s a shame that in the 44 years of my existence it’s coming like you didn’t really know me at all.

You’ gon’ get to know though!

Understand this, I’m very careful with my words – you should have tried to be the same. Everything I write concerning these events will be MY truth and MY opinion – apart from any quotes and anything else I say I have proof of. They will be all you, and should you feel I have lied or caused you any distress at all, I beg you please:

TAKE MY ASS TO COURT!

I will happily stand and supply whatever proof necessary. Emails, text messages, banshee screaming voicemails – the works!

I’VE KEPT ALL OF THE RECEIPTS!!

Think on that before you come with any new lies as I FULLY stand by anything I have written to you over that time.

You should have never come for me and expect me to keep quiet!

That being said, should any ‘accident’ befall me – look to them first!

I ain’t even joking. Shame and embarrassment can cause people to do off key things.

And there’s a thin line between sociopath and psychopath too!

R.I.P to all who have passed away recently.

Ohio and El Paso we feel your pain

Toni Morrison I salute you sista.