Archive for category: Now You C Me

“I can see clearly now the rain is gone

I can see all obstacles in my way

Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind

It’s gonna be a bright (bright)

Bright (bright) sunshiny day…”

I Can See Clearly Now ~ Johnny Nash

It’s been 9 years since I was diagnosed with cancer and as I’ve previously discussed I have the lasting effects of chemotherapy in the form of neuropathy to contend with. I’m going to applaud myself here because despite how things look on the outside, the struggle is very much real.

I manage well enough throughout the day, but when it comes to winding down that’s when I really feel it. The varying sensations and temperature control can be a lot, but imagine my surprise when another symptom decided to pop up and say hello!

I discovered it one morning when I got out of bed and nearly fell on my ass. Thankhfully I managed to fall back on the bed. It was as if my feet were still asleep, then there was a rush of sensations as the blood flowed back to them. They were back to their normal form after a minute or so, but it has now become a regular morning occurrence. I then found myself doing a mental tally of my battered and aging body and added it to an ever growing list.😩

I can’t tell you how much I miss the BC* me at times. Adaptations have been made for certain missing elements – but right now, in this moment, I miss the way I used to be albeit knowing there’s not a lot I can do about it.

That’s not to say I don’t love who I am now because I really do – excess baggage all round ‘n’ all! What I lack physically has been more than balanced out by my mental, emotional and spiritual growth. I’m wise enough to know I can have my moments and still stay on track. It’s all a part of the journey and dependent on how long you want to stay in it for. 

For someone who writes the most I really do need to be listening to me more!😂 The other night is a good example. I found myself doing something to keep ‘the’ peace, and it wasn’t until I was actually doing it that I realised my mistake. I shouldn’t have preoccupied the ‘the’ and focused on the peace. Whose peace was I keeping? ‘cause it damn sure wasn’t mine…

My usual Thursday night blog routine was disturbed by feeling absolutely shattered. You know them ones where you can feel it in your bones. The yawns are coming thick and fast bringing watery eyes and more exhaustion? Yep!, c’est moi!…but then a comment was made (but not made) and I found myself not so tired and more upset and frustrated.

I ended up having a word with myself, and once more awoke the next day with clarity and the ability to address it and let it go. There are times when you will do things to keep ‘the’ peace which is perfectly okay within reason, but if it’s at the risk of fucking with your own then always prioritise you. I should have done just that instead of working myself up and wearing myself out over a comment, and it’s fully on me. #BoundaryCheck

This week marked 3 years since the death of Chadwick Boseman, and of all of the celebrity passings I feel his the most; mainly down to it being the same type of cancer, our similar ages and of course ethnicity. To me and I’m sure many others of the Black community, he will be seen as the warrior he depicted and his legacy as an actor will live on as all legends should.

I feel blessed beyond measure to still be here. Regardless of how exhausted I may get and how many different circumstances come my way, I’m still afforded the pleasure to rise and get over it. I may not be able to leave a legacy as big and far reaching as King Chadwick but I will continue to leave my little legacy for future generations in my written word and podcasts.**

I love life and I love writing, and you should do more of what you love. Cancer gave me many lessons but the most predominant one is just when you think shit is at its worst you can still find beauty in the madness, and it can be the tiniest of things that has a profound impact on you. Hold on to those things and feelings – ‘tis a bumpy ride to be sure and all forms of cushioning are welcome.

Not everyone will understand your methods, but mate, if it gets you through do you! What’s good for the goose isn’t necessarily good for the gander so don’t be put off by others thoughts and opinions – when they start paying your bills or carrying your weight they can talk up.

I’ve ventured down many avenues to find where I am now and realise I was just peeling back the layers to expose my true core and nature. Now I see me and if my being human, open and honest helps even one of my future generations (or anyone in the present) to address beginning to heal their trauma in any way, I’m good with that.

R.I.P Mama Thompson and all those who have lost their lives this week.

*BC – Before Cancer. It was a whole other life but the same essence remains. #NuDawnBible

**They’re coming!😅 The tests keep testing and I continue to do the work, and it’s most definitely fodder for another day!

I Can C Clearly Now, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife

No apologies, this week I’m talking real shit! – like, literally. I’m quite sure that the majority of you have no idea that April is Bowel Cancer Awareness Month.

To be fair before my diagnosis I didn’t have a clue about it either, it’s not like it’s one of the more talked about diseases, but the reality is we all eat and we all poo so it could get you too!

One of the memories that Facebook shared with me this week was of the day I said goodbye to my locks – add to that my annual CT scan on Friday to check that things are still ok (🤞🏾) and there was only one subject I wanted to write about.

The most important reason why I wanted to talk about it is because if you listen to the statistics only you’ll be fooled into believing that you are safe if you’re below the age of 60. People are campaigning to lower the age of screening in England to 50 but that, for me, is still too high an age.

I was diagnosed at 39 after months of misdiagnosis and I’m lucky to be here, so would like to share my tale with you in the hope it may help someone else in the future. It’s not the nicest subject I grant you, and if you aren’t interested in the finer details you may want to stop now, but there really is no sugarcoating shit!

For me the first sign was a slight pain in my right side in January 2014 – kinda like a stitch. Nothing too major and not enough to warrant too much concern, but it would come and go at random times and when I wasn’t necessarily exerting myself.

It stayed the same for about a week, and then I realised it was less random and more constant. Now, I wasn’t the most ‘regular’ person to start with so wasn’t surprised when a few days had passed without me going for a poo, but when I did eventually go I noticed that there was a little blood and mucus when I wiped, (yes I look, and you should too!) That added with the pain I was straight off to the doctors sharpish. I was thankfully aware of the signs so didn’t think twice, in spite of my age.

I was seen at my surgery by a lovely lady who reassured me it was probably nothing but stood by protocol and referred me within 2 weeks to have a sigmoidoscopy. This is a procedure where they examine your large intestine through your rectum (Yeh, nice I know, but bear with me) and which, in my case, picked up nothing more than a couple of internal haemorrhoids which they put the blood and mucus down to.

That however, didn’t explain the pain which, during those weeks, had intensified further and painkillers couldn’t touch it. I went back to my doctor who agreed there was definitely something wrong but was unsure as to what it was and said she would try to arrange for me to have a CT scan for as soon as possible.

By the time of my first visit to A&E (pre scan), I was hardly eating and the pain was wiping me out. They checked me over, told me it sounded like IBS and gave me Buscopan and Co-codamol which did nothing.

I went back to the doctors and urged her to chase up my appointment, and a week later I had it done. I was working at the time but found myself having to take days off where I just honestly couldn’t function and all I wanted to do was sleep, but there was no reprieve in that either.

At this point the pain was coming in constant waves like contractions – I was in full on labour without the joy of a baby at the end of it! My second trip to A&E had me leaving with more of the same pills and this time a possible diagnosis of Chrohn’s disease or endometriosis. Marvellous!

A week later there were still no results and I was a hot mess. I took myself to A&E again to be told the same thing and that I’d have to wait for my scan results. That last trip was on Friday 16th May. On the Saturday I was unable to eat or drink anything and called an ambulance out.

I was assessed by the paramedics and told there was nothing they could do but prescribe me stronger pain meds until I could see my GP and get my results. They arranged for an out of hours doctor to give me Tramadol and it numbed the pain slightly but nowhere near enough. I dozed for most of Sunday and on Monday morning the real fun began!

Without exaggeration, I was fucked! The pain, no food and little water had knocked me for six, to the point of me being unable to catch my breath. My fiancé called an ambulance and I was taken to A&E where I was given morphine which was soon to become my bff!

Morphina, as she is now known, performed the miracle I had been looking for for 5 months – she freed me from my shackles of pain and it was thee best feeling on Earth!

I was severely dehydrated so they hooked me up to fluids and a few hours later I could actually remember what it felt like to be human again. It was bliss! – then they came with the fuckery.

Apparently, now I looked a little more perky, they were happy to send me home to wait for the results of my scan. Naturally I was a tad perplexed by their decision and told them so in no uncertain terms. There was no way in Hell I was leaving that place after a taste of the sweet relief Morphina had given me. NOT👏🏾A👏🏾CHANCE!👏🏾

I told them I’d waited weeks for the results and there was no way I’d be leaving there without a fight – call who the fuck you want, I AIN’T LEAVING! I’m guessing the mad glint in my eye was enough to let them know I was for real and they admitted me.

Surprise, surprise the next day I got my CT scan results which showed nothing but slight swelling around my appendix, but they knew my appendix wasn’t the problem as the pain had gone on for too long. There were signs from my bloods that something was amiss so they sent me down for an ultrasound where the brilliant radiographer proved she knew her stuff.

She said that my bowel looked twisted and suggested the surgeon have a look laparoscopically. I was warned that as it’s the bowel depending on what they find I might need a stoma bag but hopefully it would be straightforward. On Wednesday 21st May – exactly 6 months before my 40th birthday – I went down for surgery.

When I awoke I was told that they’d had a look laparoscopically and it was a bigger job than they’d expected, resulting in being operated on for 5 and a half hours to remove a third of my bowel.

They’d found “something” they wanted to check out so were sending it off for biopsy. Ever the realist, I asked the surgeon there and then to give me the real talk and asked him if it was cancer. He said he couldn’t confirm it without the results but he was more than sure it was. To be honest I was just relieved to know that they FINALLY had an answer.

It took just over 5 months to get me to diagnosis. By the time they’d operated on me my tumour was 6 inches by 3 inches, had spread from my bowel to my lymph nodes and was just about to make out with my liver.

They said had I gone home when they wanted to discharge me by the time they saw me again I would have been Stage 4. I questioned how my CT scan didn’t show anything at all and was told that upon taking a second look they could see it. Obviously I wasn’t too thrilled to hear that and I am now adamant they triple check my results – once bitten and all that.

They assured me had things not gone the way they did, the next step would have been a colonoscopy, which would have shown what the deal was as my cancer was in the large bowel which the sigmoidoscopy wouldn’t have picked up.

Quite frankly, that was little comfort considering the length of time it took to get my results let alone them missing a big, fat juicy tumour!

I’m not knocking the NHS as a whole, they do a great job and I’m thankful for them potentially saving my life, but a lot of areas could be improved which will be discussed at a later date! For now without sounding too preachy, I want to tell you to please listen to your body.

No one knows you like you. If you have an issue, no matter how embarrassing you may feel it is, if you truly value and appreciate life you will get it checked out – end of! It could be a minor, but it could also be something major so worth a once over at least. If you feel you are not being heard and they are fobbing you off persevere, shout louder, get second and third opinions if need be.

Look after yourself from the inside out and watch what you’re putting in your body. By all means indulge but moderation is the key.

I’m two years into my 5 year check up and awaiting the results from Friday. Who knows what will unfold but I’m keeping the positive vibe alive for as long as I can – I’ve got a lot more living to do yet!

Syria you’re still forever in my thoughts. Hoping there’s an end to the madness soon.

R.I.P to all those who have lost their lives this week.

Be Safe Rather Than Sorry!, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife

There’s only one subject I could think of to write about as it’s STAND UP TO CANCER day. I doubt there are many people who haven’t been effected by it in one way or another and will undoubtedly be digging deep whilst being entertained by a whole host of comedians and celebrities knowing that they’ve done their bit to help.

I understand the want to eradicate this terrible disease and myself donated to Cancer Research for nearly 20 years – then I actually got cancer, and after feeling the effects of chemotherapy it led me question exactly what kind of research it is that they are doing.

After having a phone call with an advisor I advised them that they would not be receiving another penny from me. I’m not suggesting you to do the same, but I do want to make you aware of how they really roll and think hard about who you give your money to.

After months of agony and misdiagnosis an emergency exploratory operation discovered the cause of my pain and that’s when the real joy started! Looking back, once the cancer was removed and I’d had time to heal I actually felt good; a little weaker but the best I’d felt in a very long time.

I had one of the best holidays of my life in the Caribbean with the sun, sea, surroundings, good food and my peeps being the best medicine I could have asked for. I cut short my holiday to come home and start 8 months of chemotherapy and I only wish I’d known what lay ahead! Hindsight’s as big a bitch as cancer!

Cancer Research UK is the culmination of two of Britains leading cancer researchers joining together. One was the Imperial Cancer Research Fund who I first started donating to back in the 90’s.

They were the first to be founded in 1902 with the intention of providing funds to help research and find a cure. Chemotherapy came about in the 1940’s after it was found that being exposed to mustard gas significantly reduced white blood cell counts – so obviously after testing it on mice they were good to go on to human test subjects.

They found it targeted the cancer cells yet it also destroyed healthy cells but considering this was their biggest cancer breakthrough to date it was a keeper!

Now as far as the pharmaceutical companies were concerned they’d hit the jackpot! Not only could they develop a drug to help fight one thing, it has the ability to cause multiple side effects that you need more drugs to counteract. KERCHINGGGG!!!

I knew enough about chemotherapy to know it wasn’t going to be pleasant but knowing about things and feeling them are completely different.

You’re given a long ass list and booklets etc of the possible side effects and despite knowing what could happen it doesn’t compare to death – which is the picture they paint you – so you prepare yourself and crack on.

I’m not exactly sure when it was I decided to question what was being done about researching a more natural treatment.

Maybe it was somewhere between the severe diarrhoea, vomiting, neuropathy, lack of taste, lack of energy, fear of catching a cold, low blood count and blood transfusions, tiredness, hair falling out, fucked up skin…or it could have been when I was sat down on the Eden Ward watching a nurse wearing a protective apron and gloves giving me medication going directly into my body that she wasn’t even allowed to touch with her bare hands!

When I called Cancer Research to ask them what developments had been made on finding a less harsh and more natural alternative he told me they were looking into things but not enough research has been done yet. I kid you not!

I told him about what I’d heard about cannabis oil and was told that I shouldn’t use anything that wasn’t regulated and that there’s not enough known about it to know how well it works or what the side effects will be.

ARE YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME?

So your research only goes as far as looking into chemotherapy and nothing else? You’ve been raking in cash since 1902 and yet with all the billions you’ve had in that time, in 2014 (which it was then) you are no closer to finding something that doesn’t destroy you whilst fixing you? – and it is only a fix, not a cure.

The research companies originally had good intentions. They used to be about helping the victims of cancer, now they’re about themselves and the pharmaceutical companies making money – END OF STORY!

When I went on to their site I found this little gem under their section on cannabinoids and cancer:

“Virtually all the scientific research investigating whether cannabinoids can treat cancer has been done using cancer cells grown in the lab or animal models. It’s important to be cautious when extrapolating these results to real live patients, who tend to be a lot more complex than a Petri dish or a mouse.”

Can we please just take the time out to comprehend what they are saying.

They are telling us that they’ve done the research but are cautious about testing it out on humans as we’re more complex, yet they have no issues with administering and working on more drugs they know for definite are toxic to humans and cause damage and death. And nobody is questioning this?

Another article said they were discussing making a synthetic form of THC. Why do you need to make a synthetic form when the real deal can be naturally sourced in abundance? Why? BECAUSE IT’S ALL ABOUT THE MONEY, HONEY!

Yes, I’m in remission now but I’m not fully out of the woods for another three and a half years. A lot of people would argue it’s the chemo that saved me but I beg to differ, my operation saved me without a doubt – I’m not willing to give that credit to chemotherapy, sorry, not sorry!

They’ll shock you with their adverts stating 1-2 will get cancer and they are endlessly working to fix this with a little help from us. You need to question how, in this day and age, the stats are so high if they’ve been working so tirelessly.

They know the effects chemotherapy has on the body and that hasn’t changed in decades so why not look into something that’s not going to cause more pain and discomfort to someone who has suffered enough?

As the one in two I would have loved to have been given an alternative. I would gladly have been the test case because I’ve felt the side effects of their fix and I can’t see a plant based alternative doing me more damage than what their official remedy did! #JustSaying.

If you don’t believe me go online and look for yourself. Check out the dodgy deaths and “accidents ” of holistic practitioners who are seen to be proving too popular with the masses.

Realise that Cancer Research and the pharmaceutical companies don’t want us to know we could grow a cure of our own that works just as well as chemotherapy, without the debilitating side effects, because where would that leave them?

STAND UP TO CANCER by all means but STAND UP TO CANCER RESEARCH TOO!

Ask them why after nearly 75 years chemotherapy is still the only option they want to treat us with.

If you want to support cancer patients support Macmillan as they really are there for the patients and their families, I bear witness to this. They were a Godsend and continue to help me now and I will be forever grateful to them for that. I only wish I’d given them my money for nearly 20 years.

R.I.P to my neighbour and all those who have lost their lives this week.

So this week I’d like to touch on another side effect I experienced that also ties in nicely with a subject that really bugs the Hell out me!

Not long after starting chemo one of the more noticeable side effects was the change in my complexion. Let’s get things straight from the get go: I LOVE BEING BLACK! I have never had an issue with my complexion at all, as I have no issue with any other complexion – we all bleed the same! I’m the shade I was made and it ain’t gon’ change!!….until it did.

I got darker all over, most noticeably the palms of my hands, soles of my feet, fingernails, toenails and most predominately my face. I’d bump into people and they’d ask if I’d just got back off of holiday (yes white folk – we do tan!!) and I’d explain that I’m on an 8 month cruise round the Topics of Cancer!

I’m not going to say it didn’t phase me at all; it did, when I looked in the mirror I didn’t see me looking back. I can’t even really explain it but it was like looking at a stranger (one whose eyebrows blended in with her face) and I can honestly say it’s the ONLY time I’d ever wished I could change my complexion; not because lighter is better but because it was what I was used to seeing for 39 years!

There was no holiday glow about it trust me! Thankfully I’ve never been too hung up on that type of thing so I didn’t let it phase me for too long. I figured it is what it is and I’m still me despite the packaging.

That’s not to say that I don’t understand those who experience the same kind of thing wanting to cosmetically alter their appearance so they feel more comfortable in their skin, it’s just not for me (make up never has been), and my understanding only goes so far!

I get applying a little foundation etc to even out a skin tone for whatever reason, but things have gotten waaaayyy out of hand and a whole lot deeper with a lot of people, especially in the Black community, and men and women alike!

Too many of us still have not woken up and are still clinging on to the lie told many moons ago that to be seen as worthy you have to be white or at least light. I’ve watched documentaries in Jamaica and Africa on people bleaching and their reasons as to why and it breaks my heart and gets me vex at the same time. #RealTalk.

Chatting fuckery about when you’re darker skinned you look dirty and nobody wants you, but when you bleach you look fresher and more attractive….well…..it has the same effect on my toilet so I suppose you could be right, but I’d prefer not to try it thanks!

Seriously though, how is this even a thing in 2016, that they are still so confused they will damage their health to try to impress? Impress who exactly? You’re only kidding yourself and whilst you’re trying to lighten your skin the people you admire are trying to darken theirs! Tomfoolery at its highest!

The torture they put themselves through to look like the living frigging dead is unbelievable. Chemical burns and skin as thin as tissue paper that doesn’t heal if you get cut…lovely!! Not to mention your tarantula looking hands….beautiful!!👀

In my opinion I can say with all honesty that not one of them looked better for it….NOT ONE!, and I very much doubt it bought them whatever it was that they thought they’d get.

The thing that upsets me the most is they’re brainwashing their children with the same sorry thinking so there’ll be another generation of the walking dead coming soon if we don’t wake them up! #JustSaying.

I love every shade that we produce; from high yellow to jet black, and no matter what shade I am, there’s not one person who will convince me I’m a lesser person because of it.

Since stopping chemotherapy my colour is changing back, even though my face is not fully back to how I used to look, I can now see my eyebrows so it’s all good! And even if it is to remain a darker shade it ain’t a thing – the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice!

R.I.P Darlene Horton, Jassim Eissa al-Baloushi and all those who have lost their lives this week.