August 2019 - NuDawn Diary

Naturally when you put people on blast publicly you put yourself up for review too. With that in mind this part of the disclaimer is to address the clap back that I know is coming as it’s been thrown at me before.

I have no doubt that you will be told to ignore the things you will read because, ”I need to stop smoking all that dope because I’m fucked up in the head!”*

Let me set the record straight.

I have smoked cannabis since the age of 18. Eighteen. Government adult status; and anything I do or I’ve done as an adult I will own. It’s not something I shout from the rooftops, but it’s not something I hide either. If I’m asked I won’t lie. The most important people in my life know and so does my doctor so as far as I’m concerned, I’m good!

Supposedly it’s a gateway drug. I can testify that that is bullshit. No drug is a gateway to any other drug. If you have that type of addictive personality then that’s the way you’ll go. There ain’t no gate, just a way! Like most drugs there are various varieties and I wish more people would care to do their homework before chatting breeze!

There is a big difference between certain types of cannabis. I’m not about to give you a lecture (today!), but I will say that there’s a big difference between what I smoke and skunk; which seems to be the only one these people know. I don’t touch it or any other type that is chemically enhanced. I prefer it the way Mother Nature made it.

I always knew about the healing properties of cannabis but wasn’t that interested until I got diagnosed with cancer. Since then it hasn’t just been about the recreational side but the health side too. The big pharma companies are daylight robbers and the way the whole system works is corrupt from the core. Go through the effects of chemotherapy and the lasting side effects then come chat to me and tell me you wouldn’t want a natural, less harsh option. (Now You See Me (Part 4))

I can well believe that skunk and those types can lead to schizophrenia and other mental health issues. The few times I’d tried it in the past I got headaches and it didn’t take me long to put the two together. I’m not a masochist so it wasn’t a hard decision to stop smoking it.

I’ve heard people say there’s not enough research being done to justify legalising it yet. Why is that? Cancer Research have had billions in donations over decades. What’s the deal? Why only focus on the ‘cure’ that causes more damage? Like I didn’t already know.

If it was legalised and regulated they’d have less to worry about and they’d know what they were dealing with. Well, there may be no research on that chemically modified shit, but Rastafarian’s have been smoking for centuries and are some of the most easygoing and conscious people you could hope to meet. That’ll do for me.

The only other drug I have tried is half a trip back in ‘93. It was a trip I have never felt the need to go on again! I lived across the road from my godparents then and they were having a party. My friends and I walked in and it was pure jokes. There was a woman there and I swear she looked just like Bugs Bunny. We were in stitches…she on the other hand, must have thought we were nutcases.

Anyway I got home and went to bed but couldn’t quite concentrate on sleep as I was freaked the fuck out by the standby light on my tv. I remember weird and not so wonderful images floating around in a red haze! Coupled with constantly feeling like I was sliding down a slope, it was a restless night and an experience I’d decided (despite laughing hard at Bugs Bunny) that I would never repeat again and I haven’t since.

I don’t touch alcohol and never have. I believe it does more damage than natural cannabis ever will but I’m no expert. I’m just going on what I’ve witnessed for myself. But that’s ok! It doesn’t matter if you can knock back enough gin to sink the Titanic – it’s legal!

I’m not a dealer or ganja farmer. My loft holds nothing but suitcases, Christmas trees, years of shit and spiders, and my electricity bills will confirm there is not, nor has there ever been, a surge in usage. I have enough for my own personal use and that’s it. If there’s nothing about I don’t smoke, it’s as simple as that.

At no point have I ever begged, gone on a rampage, or had to sell my possessions, body or soul to feed my “habit”. I present myself well, can hold a decent conversation and hold down a job. It’s purely recreational and doesn’t interfere with my work life. I’m not working at the moment but when I do, if need be I have no trouble in stopping.

For me, it’s my equivalent of all the painkillers and Omeprazole they’d prefer me to take.🙄

Obviously I’m aware of the current legal status, and I’m guessing this is what my siblings are hoping will make me keep my mouth shut. Sorry to disappoint but it is what it is. Should I receive any comeback I’ll have to deal with it, but to be honest I’m tired of waiting for this cuntry to wake up and smell the ‘herbal’ tea!

*Those words were told to me by my sister. If anything has come close to fucking me up in the head I guarantee you it’s not the weed but the manoeuvres my siblings made. Again, I’ll leave y’all to be the judge of that!

R.I.P to all those who have lost their lives this week.

Praying for the Amazon and its indigenous people.

Wtf is wrong with mankind?

***It’s High Time Shit Changed, Stay Blessed & #CelebrateLife***

“One touch to your heart without breaking your skin. No one has the power to hurt you like your kin.”

India Arie ~ Get It Together

In my case, never has a truer word been written. I have no doubt that every family has some form of fuckery they have to deal/contend with; in fact I know I’m not alone! But being raised Black there’s an unwritten rule that you don’t talk the business!

That’s how certain members of my family would love it to be. So that they can continue to lie and generally behave in any which way they see fit with no repercussions. In fairness, I told them that their time with me will come, so this should come as no surprise.

The reason I’m writing this is because I’m going to tell you about my life over the past 5 years. It’s been a trip and a half to say the least! A few months after I was diagnosed with Stage 3C bowel cancer my mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia and that’s when the real fun began. I’ve spoken a lot about the cancer side but now it’s time to share the other side.

I’m putting this part of the disclaimer out because, as mentioned in Disclaimer (Part 1), I fully expect people (especially Black people) to voice some kind of opinion. I’d like to clarify a few things, so that I’m not continuously going over my reasons and why I feel the need to do this.

You can think you know a person, but you won’t ever see how they really stay until the shit hits the fan. I’d already seen it with my elder brother. He has a habit of causing shit storms wherever he may roam. I’ve come to the conclusion it’s because he’s a sociopath. I cannot officially confirm it, but he ticks too many of the boxes for it to be completely dismissed. To be honest, the real eye opener was my sister. You’ll find out why in time.

As you may have ascertained by now I’m a big believer in talking. Communication on a whole is important, but the best way for me is to (wherever possible) address issues face to face. I will always try to do so, and give 3 tries before I tap out. After that you can come to me if you so wish and we’ll take it from there!

Because of the nature of the situation and who we were dealing with (our mother), I gave more opportunities than my usual 3 to try to talk. The chance was given, time and again, for us to sit down as a family and work through things. They didn’t want to know, which is fine, but what isn’t is the bullshit that came with it.

Over the years my siblings have been selectively vocal. As in they will tell selective people their version of how our situation came to be. In the few times they’ve had to sit down with me, it was under best interest meeting settings, and the literal finger pointing and accusations against me came thick and fast.

I’ve heard this and that from various people on what they have been told, and would normally laugh it off and let folk think what they want – but this time it’s different. It happened when I was going through my own little whirlwind, and instead of throwing in a rope to help they threw bricks to try and knock me out.

Well the storm is over and I am now clearing the debris and finding peace. But not before I analyse wtf went down. So here we are. Many questions were asked and accusations thrown, in black and white so there’s no debating, and now my head has stopped spinning I’d like to address them.

I could just keep calm and carry on, which I usually have no problem doing, but this is a special case for so many reasons. Love on all levels was tested. Knowingly or unknowingly (though I believe it to be the first), my siblings tried to break me. The saying goes there’s a thin line between love and hate. It’s true. But it’s also true that there can be a thick fucking wedge too!

I shall now reiterate my feelings to be super clear.

You will read things and think, damn; she sounds so bitter/angry/hurt/upset and fucked off to name a few and say the least. You would be right in thinking so. At one time or another over the years I’ve felt all those things and more. I’m not denying it. It happened and I’m 95% over it, but this is a piece of therapy that I need before I can reach the full 100! This is for my mental health as much as anything else. Sitting back and reflecting it’s been a lot!

This is my chance to be vocal. Not just to a selective group but to everyone.

There are at least 2 sides to every story, (more in this case) and this is my chance to put mine across. My siblings didn’t want to hear or see it. In fact they made a point of choosing a ‘dignified silence’ when it came to ‘the likes of me’. I guess it’s easier than having the truth in your face.

Most of the time it’s not a dignified silence people try to maintain. It’s not wanting the reality check! It’s not wanting to have to face the fact you may have been wrong. As my siblings weren’t interested I’ll put it to you all to decide if you believe I had a point.

This isn’t for my benefit but for theirs, as they value the opinion of what the outside world can see. I’m more interested in sharing what you can’t.

I truly don’t care how you feel about what I write. I’m not doing it for sympathy, love or likes. Unlike some I don’t feel the need to put on airs and graces and lie to my peers and myself that I’m a better person than I am. I give the only version of myself 24/7 because I can only be me and I’m happy with that. Might be laughing and smiling, might be a moody bitch – but it’s all me!

To my elder siblings personally, it’s a shame that in the 44 years of my existence it’s coming like you didn’t really know me at all.

You’ gon’ get to know though!

Understand this, I’m very careful with my words – you should have tried to be the same. Everything I write concerning these events will be MY truth and MY opinion – apart from any quotes and anything else I say I have proof of. They will be all you, and should you feel I have lied or caused you any distress at all, I beg you please:

TAKE MY ASS TO COURT!

I will happily stand and supply whatever proof necessary. Emails, text messages, banshee screaming voicemails – the works!

I’VE KEPT ALL OF THE RECEIPTS!!

Think on that before you come with any new lies as I FULLY stand by anything I have written to you over that time.

You should have never come for me and expect me to keep quiet!

That being said, should any ‘accident’ befall me – look to them first!

I ain’t even joking. Shame and embarrassment can cause people to do off key things.

And there’s a thin line between sociopath and psychopath too!

R.I.P to all who have passed away recently.

Ohio and El Paso we feel your pain

Toni Morrison I salute you sista.

Disclaimer (Part 3)

Disclaimer (Part 2)

Archive for month: August, 2019